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3.5 Years: It’s Over… September 18, 2016

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Let’s start from the end. It’s been three days since he told me it was over. My heart understands and accepts. My mind has been trying to make sense of it all. He asked me to meet him at the park, I don’t know why. I am not sure what he had hoped to accomplish. Did he want to see me cry? Was I supposed to break down and beg for forgiveness? I asked, “why didn’t you just send me a text?” I told him he made me waste my time coming over here for no reason. I tried to get in my car and he pushed my door closed and told me we were going to talk, because people talk about these things? HUH?!? They talk after a decision has already been made? I guess I might be confused about the process.

So I stood there and I let him talk. I brought up a few points and noted that his answer was the same as he had given for the past three and a half years. I realized that either he was clueless and didn’t understand how human beings should behave or he just didn’t care and never did. I stood there as he spoke waiting for my heart to feel something, to break, to burst, to explode, to disintegrate but nothing happened. I waited for the wobble in my voice that indicated I was about to cry and embarrass myself but it never came. I was simply annoyed that he didn’t just send me a text saying that it was over. A simple text or a phone call. I know it sounds impersonal but my heart didn’t love him anymore and it hadn’t loved him for a while. My journal and my conversations show exactly when I became aware that I had stopped loving him but there was part of me that had loved him for so long that it had become easy to say that I loved him. Even the email I wrote asking for my money back would lead one to believe that I still loved him but that is so far from the truth.

For three and a half years I only wanted to two things from him 1) be my friend and treat me right 2) help me to achieve this one goal that I can’t seem to figure out how to navigate and accomplish. He failed at both and for that whole time I was too afraid to walk away or stand up for myself, because my heart was convinced that I loved him and those few flickers when the “real” him showed up said that some part of him actually loved me.

That night I understood that:

  • he thought I was intelligent but yet too stupid to understand his point of view
  • he wanted me to be his lover and friend but yet invisible to the world
  • I don’t factor in his grand scheme of things and I never did
  • all he ever wanted to do was use me
  • he could throw me away as easily as he tossed his pet
  • no one matters to him but himself

AND most importantly

  • most of this was my fault because I let it happen over and over again. When a person is so hurt by another person that they start planning their suicide, it’s a huge red flag…

…stay tuned for the 3.5 years: the letter

 

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My Reality Check… April 23, 2014

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‘Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.’ – Albert Einstein

I think this applies to everyone adult and child. It has helped me to be much less critical as a teacher and it has taught me to provide more ways for my kids to be successful in completing a lesson. This is NOT about my job though.

People who don’t know me, think I have low self- esteem and I need to see a therapist.

The few people who know me, think I am too hard on myself. They are right! Sometimes I am forced to sit myself down and remind myself that I am only human. Yes, there are super human feats that occur in my life but I am human. Maybe that’s why the Christina Perri song resonates so deeply within my heart. It is a constant reminder that with all I do and don’t do the reality is that I am only human.

I am a smart girl. 

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

I am a smart girl.

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

I am a smart girl.

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

But like the fish, there comes a point when my human interactions become so overwhelmingly depressing that I do ask myself,

Is there something wrong with me? Why am I never enough? Am I stupid? Why can’t I do what everybody else seems to do so easily?

My inner voice is keeps screaming…

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE ENOUGH, FOR YOU, FOR GOD AND EVERYBODY YOU MEET! YOU ARE SMART! YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN UNIQUE AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES YOU AN AWESOME YOU!

but my inner voice has been getting softer and softer, more unsure…

maybe there is something wrong with you. you are enough for you and God but not worth much to anyone else. it’s obvious you are not so smart because you are letting this all bother you. you will never fit with your differences, yes you are unique but that only makes you an outlier and outsider. don’t expect to ever belong, to fit in.

I am a girl, a lady, a woman. I am simple and uncomplicated. Often I communicate my feelings before my mind is aware of them, before my mouth knows the words to utter. 

Today, I cried. 

Yeah, I have been crying a lot, so this is not news but when I cry almost uncontrollably in front of my class, that is a completely different story. 

Have you ever wanted to be loved? Loved for you, whole-heartedly unconditionally loved?

I know, I know God loves me. I have heard it. I believed it. He loved Adam too, he walked in the garden with Adam but yet he decided that Adam needed a partner and sent Eve. Am I less worthy to be loved? I am not just talking about love from the opposite sex.

When does a parent let their child know that no matter how they look, that they are loved or beautiful? Am I supposed to stop wanting that affirmation because I am an adult? Is it wrong to hope that one day I would hear the words I love you uttered from my father’s lips?

When will God explain why he made me a girl but I can’t do any of the natural girly things without the aide of medication etc.?

Why did my husband need me to where 6 inch heels everyday, tight pants, get a tramp stamp, put my cleavage on show and always have my hair braided before he thought he loved me? Why did he leave when I decided I needed to be my own person?

Why do other guys think that I am “stuck up” because my idea of a first date doesn’t involve spending the night at their house or vice versa?

Why do I have a beautiful soul, am good enough for sex, but I am a secret to the world? Why is it so easy to cheat on me? Why will I never be enough, never be good enough, never be right? 

Why won’t you let me enjoy the few moments moments of happiness I have with you? Why keep reminding me that it will end one day? Do you want me to be the same as you, bitter, jaded, self-deluded? Often I wonder why God put you in my life because you so obviously don’t want to be here. I do listen to your words as you repeatedly stab me in the heart.

I am not a very touchy person but today I needed a human touch. Unfortunately, I live on a slow-sinking island and the only people who have ever cared enough to accept me in all my uniqueness live hours, cities, states, countries away.

People say, ‘girl you need to learn to live alone’, but when you’ve lived alone so long that your favorite conversations are with the pet snake you are babysitting, how do you know when you’ve learned to live alone?

 

 

Loving Myself… January 11, 2014

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Today someone said, ‘you are awesome’. My mind instantly followed with, ‘No, I’m not.’

That quick exchange clarified a conflict in my mind that stemmed from a conversation earlier in the week.

When did I stop believing I was awesome? When did I forget my self worth?

I have been haunted since the day I taught my students a lesson on ‘body acceptance’. The lesson we learned that day could be summarized in one sentence, ‘The best way to show that you love something is to take care of it’. I knew the lesson was true but I was haunted because I wasnt living by example. I wasnt taking care of me, the conclusion being that I didnt love me.

But how could that be? Don’t I practice good hygiene? I have clothes. I go to my job. I maintain a nice clean apartment. I… I… I… Apparently, I am doing the bare minimum required to stay alive and to “fit” into society. Is that enough to say I am loving myself?

How is it that the girl who celebrates birthdays as if they are national holidays, if left alone would let hers pass in silence? I have planned other people’s parties that I wasnt invited to, sent singing telegrams, did gift giving count downs etc. except July 4th where I sit and wonder if anyone would invite me to their family bbq and the once or twice when I did get invited, I declined the invitation. Its obvious I love celebrating, except celebrating me never seems to be on my agenda. I get friends presents for Thanksgiving and Halloween and Christmas and just because its Wednesday and I thought about you, but nothing for myself. I would say I am trying to get them to like me, but they already like me so that can’t be my motivation, can it?

I schedule my “me” time at the beginning of the week, sometimes the beginning of the month and at the end I review my calendar and its filled with many undone activities because I gave up that time to hang with a friend, to take care of my students’ needs, to get something a friend needed (they may not have asked for it but I knew based on our conversations that it would make life easier for them). And in the moments when I get to relax, I spend time thinking about all the people I have wronged for that day or that week and I agonize over how to apologize and how awful my actions or words were towards them and then I try to atone for the sins they have longed since forgotten and in many cases never even took offense to.

I dont even believe in myself. I work out, wanting to see changes but with no real expectations that there will be any improvements. It makes it easy to give up. A continuous cycle of starting and giving up and starting again, hoping that the next time and the time after that I will really stick with my plans and gain success. People tell me how much weight I have lost and congratulate me on my work. My first reaction is always, I dont know what you are talking about. I dont see any change and my personal trainer doesnt see any change, so there is obviously no change. Except I am consciously trying not to make people upset with my negative statements so I pretend I know what they are talking about and thank them for their compliments.

People from my past have been telling me how ‘i always looked out for them’, and ‘they appreciated everything I did’, etc. etc. and I am surprised because I dont remember.

If I had to describe my life up to now I would say it was unremarkable, unfulfilling, and wasted but from eye-witness accounts and after a jarring question posed to me this week, it would appear that I possess a very jaded view of my life.

I am not looking for sympathy and I dont want another person to talk about my alleged awesomeness (there I go again throwing myself under the proverbial bus -thank God it’s only proverbial) and try to make me feel better. I guess I have written all this to say, I am beginning to recognize that I have to pay more REAL attention to myself. I could probably say I started that by buying myself an actual winter jacket, but when I think of that memory its surrounded by so much unhappiness, especially since the original goal had nothing to do with buying a winter jacket.

I am not sure how I am going to do this concentrated love of self thing, but I must start, even if it means taking myself out for cake and ice cream to celebrate the fact that I am still alive.

What’s a girl to do? May 10, 2013

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Sometimes we ask for things, not knowing the true effect it will have on our lives.
This all started with a note to God.

‘Dear God, ‘ she wrote, ‘I am so terribly lonely. Lord, you know I like my alone time but sometimes I just need to have someone there. Someone who holds my hand, just because. A shoulder I could cry on. Some one to feed/cook for (I need a taste tester…hee hee)’

She had given God a long, long list. There was no way he could screw it up, all she wanted was a close friend who lived in the same state, so she could hang out, etc.

Easy enough, request right?

She sent off her list and with little faith waited. In the mean time she began the tedious task of closing chapters and burning down the bridges of a past life.

She had just about given up on her wish when he strolled into her life. If the girl with the hidden heart had understood what he would come to mean to her, I am sure she would have left his presence. Her scarcely seen, very sassy and outgoing alter ego decided to show up that night and things have never been the same since then.

He presented his own share of challenges that she had not even begun to address when she made her list. She knew, she would either live to regret her decision, or die ecstatically. She began to dig her bruised heart out of the deep lead-lined pit, it wasnt long before she realized though that while she had opened up more than she ever had with anyone; he had yet to fulfill her wish list. Her heart soared every time she heard his voice, got his text, or saw him; but deep down she was becoming even lonelier.

God wasn’t done complicating her life. He sent guy number 2 and number 3. What was she to do with all three? And why were these guys so interested in her? Was it her physical appearance? Maybe her flirtatiousness? Or could it be desperation on their part? (she really needed to work on her self esteem issues).

Everything seemed to be working out for her but not working out. How could there be three eligibles but none eligible? She wasn’t looking for Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right (unless that was their actual surname :-} ). She just needed a friend, someone whose waking goal wasn’t to get her out of her panties. Number 3, didnt last very long, he definitely wanted a no panties relationship.

Number 2 is quite interesting though, he fits the list just as well as 1. But still the girl is waiting.

She is getting tired though, tired of waiting, tired of hoping.