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3.5 Years: It’s Over… September 18, 2016

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Let’s start from the end. It’s been three days since he told me it was over. My heart understands and accepts. My mind has been trying to make sense of it all. He asked me to meet him at the park, I don’t know why. I am not sure what he had hoped to accomplish. Did he want to see me cry? Was I supposed to break down and beg for forgiveness? I asked, “why didn’t you just send me a text?” I told him he made me waste my time coming over here for no reason. I tried to get in my car and he pushed my door closed and told me we were going to talk, because people talk about these things?┬áHUH?!? They talk after a decision has already been made? I guess I might be confused about the process.

So I stood there and I let him talk. I brought up a few points and noted that his answer was the same as he had given for the past three and a half years. I realized that either he was clueless and didn’t understand how human beings should behave or he just didn’t care and never did. I stood there as he spoke waiting for my heart to feel something, to break, to burst, to explode, to disintegrate but nothing happened. I waited for the wobble in my voice that indicated I was about to cry and embarrass myself but it never came. I was simply annoyed that he didn’t just send me a text saying that it was over. A simple text or a phone call. I know it sounds impersonal but my heart didn’t love him anymore and it hadn’t loved him for a while. My journal and my conversations show exactly when I became aware that I had stopped loving him but there was part of me that had loved him for so long that it had become easy to say that I loved him. Even the email I wrote asking for my money back would lead one to believe that I still loved him but that is so far from the truth.

For three and a half years I only wanted to two things from him 1) be my friend and treat me right 2) help me to achieve this one goal that I can’t seem to figure out how to navigate and accomplish. He failed at both and for that whole time I was too afraid to walk away or stand up for myself, because my heart was convinced that I loved him and those few flickers when the “real” him showed up said that some part of him actually loved me.

That night I understood that:

  • he thought I was intelligent but yet too stupid to understand his point of view
  • he wanted me to be his lover and friend but yet invisible to the world
  • I don’t factor in his grand scheme of things and I never did
  • all he ever wanted to do was use me
  • he could throw me away as easily as he tossed his pet
  • no one matters to him but himself

AND most importantly

  • most of this was my fault because I let it happen over and over again. When a person is so hurt by another person that they start planning their suicide, it’s a huge red flag…

…stay tuned for the 3.5 years: the letter

 

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2014 January 5, 2014

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It’s only Day 5 and so much has happened.
First of all I didn’t make any resolutions.
1. I didn’t want the guilt trip that ensues when I don’t follow them.
2. I never make it past February.
3. Who needs them anyway? I rather evaluate my year before and make a goal that builds upon what I have been doing. No random promises for me!!!

Second, I got divorced.
1. At first I was worried about how I looked. I made a goal to lose weight and buy a cute outfit. Didn’t happen! My weight loss is not very well supported by scale measurements. It took me almost six weeks out of the eight week holiday program I signed up for at the gym, before I realized i was doing my psyche more damage. I am a big girl and while I could see evidence of weight loss in the fit of my clothes and eye-witness accounts etc. The scale didn’t budge to show weight loss but in fact it kept moving up suggesting weight gain.
When it feels like your ‘trainer’ is laughing at you, and you can’t see the progress you feel, sometimes you choose to give up.
As it came closer to the time. I began to understand that I didn’t care about my soon to be ex’s opinion. Nothing he said could break me, I had gotten this far and survived. Divorce hearing successful, waiting for the signed papers in the mail.

Third, rekindled a friendship with an old flame. The BEST I can say is that things are happy so far.

Fourth, the near death of a friendship.
I spent a lot of time blaming myself for the destruction of my marriage and I had to do a lot of evaluating. I am very responsible for my share of crazy and I will accept all of that responsibility but no relationship (friendship or otherwise) can last if one person is too self-involved to recognize their part in the success or failure.
I am not accepting any more blame but I am going to step away and protect myself. Let’s see OUR friendship survive following his idea of a friendship.
People say, love hurts. I disagree but now I understand why they say it. My friend, who I love dearly hurt me to my core today. The worst part is that if he knew, he didn’t care. This love is not lust or infatuation, I know the difference, I have done those many times before. This is once in a lifetime, the kind you know will never happen again but still pray can be duplicated in case the one you love now doesn’t love you back.

I am a little frightened of facing day 5, because the past four days have only filled me with trepidation. Certain parts of my life are going to be great because I am the only human involved but I worry greatly about the other parts because there is more than one human involved and my hand is definitely not on the control lever.