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3.5 Years: It’s Over… September 18, 2016

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Let’s start from the end. It’s been three days since he told me it was over. My heart understands and accepts. My mind has been trying to make sense of it all. He asked me to meet him at the park, I don’t know why. I am not sure what he had hoped to accomplish. Did he want to see me cry? Was I supposed to break down and beg for forgiveness? I asked, “why didn’t you just send me a text?” I told him he made me waste my time coming over here for no reason. I tried to get in my car and he pushed my door closed and told me we were going to talk, because people talk about these things? HUH?!? They talk after a decision has already been made? I guess I might be confused about the process.

So I stood there and I let him talk. I brought up a few points and noted that his answer was the same as he had given for the past three and a half years. I realized that either he was clueless and didn’t understand how human beings should behave or he just didn’t care and never did. I stood there as he spoke waiting for my heart to feel something, to break, to burst, to explode, to disintegrate but nothing happened. I waited for the wobble in my voice that indicated I was about to cry and embarrass myself but it never came. I was simply annoyed that he didn’t just send me a text saying that it was over. A simple text or a phone call. I know it sounds impersonal but my heart didn’t love him anymore and it hadn’t loved him for a while. My journal and my conversations show exactly when I became aware that I had stopped loving him but there was part of me that had loved him for so long that it had become easy to say that I loved him. Even the email I wrote asking for my money back would lead one to believe that I still loved him but that is so far from the truth.

For three and a half years I only wanted to two things from him 1) be my friend and treat me right 2) help me to achieve this one goal that I can’t seem to figure out how to navigate and accomplish. He failed at both and for that whole time I was too afraid to walk away or stand up for myself, because my heart was convinced that I loved him and those few flickers when the “real” him showed up said that some part of him actually loved me.

That night I understood that:

  • he thought I was intelligent but yet too stupid to understand his point of view
  • he wanted me to be his lover and friend but yet invisible to the world
  • I don’t factor in his grand scheme of things and I never did
  • all he ever wanted to do was use me
  • he could throw me away as easily as he tossed his pet
  • no one matters to him but himself

AND most importantly

  • most of this was my fault because I let it happen over and over again. When a person is so hurt by another person that they start planning their suicide, it’s a huge red flag…

…stay tuned for the 3.5 years: the letter

 

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You are stuck with me… October 28, 2013

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I am stealing this format from Jada Pinkett Smith (had to get this off my chest so I could focus)

A letter to a friend…
I believe that it was Einstein who said, ‘doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity’.
The problem is not the doing it over (after all practice makes perfect). The problem is expecting a different result. Things are not going to change.

Maybe you should try something different. Something exotic, something new (the shift in the matrix).
Have you considered that maybe your will doesn’t align with God’s will?
Have you considered that God might want you to sit out this game?
Why do you have to be in a relationship?
I don’t pretend to know the ways of the world.
I don’t pretend to know your every thought.
You know me, I don’t have any reason to pretend.

Today, I am not appealing to your head, I speak to your heart. From my heart to yours, the one you try to hide in that dark chamber with the bars and big locks and the keys and the guard dogs.
Yes, that heart that you revealed to me before you knew what was happening.

On behalf of that heart I speak:
Friend, take some time to heal. All this stuff will be there. The people might change but this break will strengthen and rebuild you, rejuvenate your spirit. Allow things to end, before you start something new.

Friend, I see you so clearly and it hurts my heart. I ache with every fiber in my being. Please, please don’t begin the insanity again. Step back, heal, get stronger, open your eyes. God hasn’t left you to do it alone, my presence in your life isn’t a mistake.

GOD DOESN’T MAKE MISTAKES!!!

You are stuck with me,
Fay

It RAINED?!? May 11, 2013

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I think about sex all the time. I think about the places I want to have it, I think about how I want it, I think about the orders I am willing to follow. Everything makes me think about sex, a hot car, traveling on the plane, the park bench, rocking in the recliner, the kitchen counter. If my panties could speak, what stories they would tell.

The problem with my need for and love of sex is finding the right partner. I have been so disappointed in the past that I have decided to ‘give up’ sex. Unfortunately, my decision to give up sex doesn’t lessen my loneliness or my need to find someone to hang out with. My increasing desperation is causing me to spiral down into the black hole of madness.

Yesterday, I put a note on a guy’s car.  The note said, ‘text me? (insert number here) (insert apt building number here)’. Then I spent many hours agonizing over whether I would get a response.  In a flash, I realized that if there was no response I would never truly know why. The possibilities were endless – Could it be I put the note on the wrong car, he doesn’t have a cell phone, he is a serial killer, he is married/dating/committed relationship/ its complicated; the note got wet and ruined, he didn’t feel like it, wasn’t really interested just taking a look?

OMG!!! The agony! *deep breath

Flashback: I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex and sat in the car and waited. That’s not different from my normal routine except today I didnt have a reason to wait. As I sat there with the engine running a car pulled into the parking space next to me. I looked to the right and my eyes connected with the guy sitting in the car next to me.

I turned away and looked back. He was looking again. My curiousity was peaked, I got out of the car hoping to give him a better look and maybe say hello. I am socially challenged (yes, I admit it! I blog because its easier than talking to people) so I never said hello but I did give him a chance to look.

I walked to the front of my car, paused for a minute. Walked a little faster so I could make sure I was walking in front of him. I hoped that he wouldnt do like everyone else and walk around me (I am a leisurely walker; I saunter and sometimes do a little shake…lol). Surprise, surprise, surprise he didnt walk around me. 

I turned into my building walk way and worked my hardest not to turn around to see where he was going. I took a quick peek though as he walked pass. I paused and looked when I got to my door. He looked when he got to his door. It took a lot longer than usual to get into the door and access my mailbox because I paused at each action and checked him out; he did the same.

This brings me back to the note on the guy’s car. I was really bothered by the fact that we didnt say anything to each other. So I decided to write a note. I bravely (that’s the story I am telling myself) walked out to the car and slid the note under his windshield wiper (I am praying its the right car!!!)

I sit in my recliner and panic. I eventually convince myself that I cannot control the outcome of my actions so there is no point in worrying.

Enter the RAIN!!!

WHAT?!? It’s raining, really? I act out of character and God lets it rain!

Just before I go beserk, I devise a brilliant plan. I decide to rewrite the note, put it in a ziploc bag and under the guise of taking out the trash replace the first note with a new non- ruined note. (Yes, I really did take my trash out in the pouring rain while the thunder boomed loudly and the lightning flashed brightly – it was a really great show!)

Of course, while I am leaving the house, I am complaining to God about how he ruined my note and he is making me go out in the rain and he is always making things so difficult. My other voice is saying maybe God is trying to save you from heart ache, maybe he is a serial killer, maybe he is not interested.

I took out the trash!!!

I exchanged the notes, expecting that my original note would be ruined (because I wrote it in marker). To my surprise the paper was perfectly in tact and not one letter of the writing was smudged (I saved the note and hung it on my fridge). As I find myself doing often, I made a heart felt apology to God; berated myself for my disbelief and returned home to agonize over whether I made the right decision.

Now for the wait!

What’s a girl to do? May 10, 2013

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Sometimes we ask for things, not knowing the true effect it will have on our lives.
This all started with a note to God.

‘Dear God, ‘ she wrote, ‘I am so terribly lonely. Lord, you know I like my alone time but sometimes I just need to have someone there. Someone who holds my hand, just because. A shoulder I could cry on. Some one to feed/cook for (I need a taste tester…hee hee)’

She had given God a long, long list. There was no way he could screw it up, all she wanted was a close friend who lived in the same state, so she could hang out, etc.

Easy enough, request right?

She sent off her list and with little faith waited. In the mean time she began the tedious task of closing chapters and burning down the bridges of a past life.

She had just about given up on her wish when he strolled into her life. If the girl with the hidden heart had understood what he would come to mean to her, I am sure she would have left his presence. Her scarcely seen, very sassy and outgoing alter ego decided to show up that night and things have never been the same since then.

He presented his own share of challenges that she had not even begun to address when she made her list. She knew, she would either live to regret her decision, or die ecstatically. She began to dig her bruised heart out of the deep lead-lined pit, it wasnt long before she realized though that while she had opened up more than she ever had with anyone; he had yet to fulfill her wish list. Her heart soared every time she heard his voice, got his text, or saw him; but deep down she was becoming even lonelier.

God wasn’t done complicating her life. He sent guy number 2 and number 3. What was she to do with all three? And why were these guys so interested in her? Was it her physical appearance? Maybe her flirtatiousness? Or could it be desperation on their part? (she really needed to work on her self esteem issues).

Everything seemed to be working out for her but not working out. How could there be three eligibles but none eligible? She wasn’t looking for Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right (unless that was their actual surname :-} ). She just needed a friend, someone whose waking goal wasn’t to get her out of her panties. Number 3, didnt last very long, he definitely wanted a no panties relationship.

Number 2 is quite interesting though, he fits the list just as well as 1. But still the girl is waiting.

She is getting tired though, tired of waiting, tired of hoping.