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3.5 Years: It’s Over… September 18, 2016

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Let’s start from the end. It’s been three days since he told me it was over. My heart understands and accepts. My mind has been trying to make sense of it all. He asked me to meet him at the park, I don’t know why. I am not sure what he had hoped to accomplish. Did he want to see me cry? Was I supposed to break down and beg for forgiveness? I asked, “why didn’t you just send me a text?” I told him he made me waste my time coming over here for no reason. I tried to get in my car and he pushed my door closed and told me we were going to talk, because people talk about these things? HUH?!? They talk after a decision has already been made? I guess I might be confused about the process.

So I stood there and I let him talk. I brought up a few points and noted that his answer was the same as he had given for the past three and a half years. I realized that either he was clueless and didn’t understand how human beings should behave or he just didn’t care and never did. I stood there as he spoke waiting for my heart to feel something, to break, to burst, to explode, to disintegrate but nothing happened. I waited for the wobble in my voice that indicated I was about to cry and embarrass myself but it never came. I was simply annoyed that he didn’t just send me a text saying that it was over. A simple text or a phone call. I know it sounds impersonal but my heart didn’t love him anymore and it hadn’t loved him for a while. My journal and my conversations show exactly when I became aware that I had stopped loving him but there was part of me that had loved him for so long that it had become easy to say that I loved him. Even the email I wrote asking for my money back would lead one to believe that I still loved him but that is so far from the truth.

For three and a half years I only wanted to two things from him 1) be my friend and treat me right 2) help me to achieve this one goal that I can’t seem to figure out how to navigate and accomplish. He failed at both and for that whole time I was too afraid to walk away or stand up for myself, because my heart was convinced that I loved him and those few flickers when the “real” him showed up said that some part of him actually loved me.

That night I understood that:

  • he thought I was intelligent but yet too stupid to understand his point of view
  • he wanted me to be his lover and friend but yet invisible to the world
  • I don’t factor in his grand scheme of things and I never did
  • all he ever wanted to do was use me
  • he could throw me away as easily as he tossed his pet
  • no one matters to him but himself

AND most importantly

  • most of this was my fault because I let it happen over and over again. When a person is so hurt by another person that they start planning their suicide, it’s a huge red flag…

…stay tuned for the 3.5 years: the letter

 

Slit Wrists… October 18, 2013

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I am going to try to keep things clean. I know you dont like a mess. It really wasn’t supposed to be like this. I promise this has nothing to do with you. Get over it and move on (thats what they said to me) …

I smile as I think about the past, there are many happy memories. I would like to say that I catch a glimpse of the future but I see no future. That tunnel, its been there for a long time, so long that I can maneuver through it in the dark. I cant remember the last time I saw light, I would probable be blinded in an instant if even the tiniest speck could find its way down here.

Strong and independent, I hear those words used to describe me. Those words mean nothing anymore, the only word that describes me now is ALONE.

The kind of alone, where I speak to remember what a voice sounds like.

The kind of alone, where I turn on the TV to pretend someone is in the house with me and go to sleep with it on so I am not too afraid to sleep.

The kind of alone, where I name the plants and talk to them as if they were my best friends.

Alone, where in my mind I have a whole family and another life, and that life while challenging is better than anything in reality.

I am not sure if anyone understands my reality. I find myself crying, I used to do it in the privacy of my home but now it also happens in public. I have a love hate relationship with other families and people’s children because they are not mine and more than ever I want a family. I have never wanted to do everything on my own even though I am great at it and could probably write my own self-help book.

My fitness family says, ‘go out and exercise, it will make you feel better.’ I have tried, it doesnt work for me.

Others have said, ‘go out, meet people, socialize, have sex.’ I definitely dont know how to do that.

I am not interested in small talk, and awkward conversations about shopping. I dont do gossip or TV. I almost hate sex. I dont need a boat load of people who are never there when I need someone but all call themselves my friends.

But it doesnt matter now, does it? The decision has been made, I already have the things I need. One more chance. Yeah, one more chance I think.

I don’t know what it feels like. What life feels like! I am not sure it even exists anymore. I just want to feel it, one more time. The rush, the adrenaline, the excitement. I smile… I feel my heart pumping, I hear the blood rushing. Look at it flow, that was exciting! Now I must rest.

I hope I didnt leave a mess…

I hope I didnt leave too much of a mess…

I hope I havent cause too much trouble…

I hope you are happy…

I hope…

I hope I didnt leave a mess, I know how you hate messes…