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The Common Denominator… July 13, 2014

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I can’t ask if he is cheating because we aren’t in a relationship. We agreed to tell the other person if we wanted to sleep with someone else but I don’t know if he remembers. I can’t sleep. I hate being so anxious about this that I can’t function. The worse part is that I am beginning to think this is all my fault.
I wish it was easy for me to fall in love. I wish I was that girl who thought she was in love with every other guy that passed her by, but I am not. If I were that girl I would write this off as lust and swish my hips as I sashayed away. Except I know that I have been in love only once and he wasn’t my ex-husband.
The one says he is not interested in me romantically. He says there is no chance of a romantic relationship between us. He says he is not like my husband and he hates when I make references that compare them. But he is wrong, my husband didn’t want me either.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. There are guys from my past who remember a girl I don’t recognize. These guys want to marry me and be the father of my children. These guys swear they love me and always will. We broke up or never dated for a reason all those years ago, so I know it won’t work. Besides they don’t make my panties wet.
I meet so many new people and guys show interest in me but its only for the sex. I don’t wear fancy clothes, no heels, and I am fat (nothing sexy about me). Maybe I look desperate, that must be it, I look like I will settle for anything. I guess that’s why they are surprised when I turn them down. Some even get verbally abusive.
Something is obviously wrong with me, no one wants the girl I am, just the little bits they can tear off.
I don’t want to be awake in my big lonely bed thinking about whether he is cheating.

Journal Entry 1 April 3, 2014

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I feel like a constant failure. I have accomplished nothing in my life. All my dreams, my goals are nothing. They are less than particles of dust in the wind. So much I want to do and say but no motivation.

I had a thought today…

– why do doctors/ paramedics try to save the lives of people who attempt suicide? Why not let me die? I think I would be more depressed if I woke up alive after building up my courage to kill myself. It would probably feel like another thing I failed at.

People say think about all the people whose lives you will negatively impact but where were those people/ those lives when I cried out for help constantly. Those people who said, ‘you should see a therapist, you need to take anti-depression drugs, you could…, you should…, you have to learn to be alone, etc. Those people who are ready with their “words of wisdom”, when all you ever wanted was a person to…

-write a note/letter, bring a trinket back from their trip, send a text saying they missed you today or they thought about you, go to a movie, walk on the beach, (just a small moment of time from their super busy schedule).

So many lives to be touched by my leaving but very few that showed they appreciated my presence. So many lives that will take some time off to attend my funeral, who will stop and gossip with friends and family about my life. A life they can only comment on because they read the broadcast on facebook.

I will never be the girl who has a fan club, or a huge following, maybe not even a best friend or a soulmate. I dont want to be in the spotlight, have to give my autograph or be showered with gifts. I dont want my home to be a revolving door of visitors (I only have one chair). I dont want to be praised for my kindness and I dont want to have to announce those moments to the world either.

I am alone.

The world is teaching us that we are too busy to build new friendships. We are too busy to invest time in our present friendships.

We have learned that if we stop texting, stop posting, stop surfing the world will stop and we will cease to exist. We have learned to be too busy to be social.

I find it disturbing that when I say hi/ hello to people, they respond with ‘fine, what’s up?’ and they keep walking. I am so confused as to what should be my response in that moment.

I go out to eat, or I hang with others and they are constantly on their phones and I want to laugh the laugh of a raving lunatic because I feel like I am the insane one. Eventually I copy them. I keep checking my phone and I check facebook and I check emails and I check and I check because I dont want to compete with the thing that has that other person’s attention. I dont want to keep stopping in the conversation to wonder if the person is listening or if they heard me or to repeat my question.
I check, but unlike them I have told my very few friends that I am busy, that I am out with other people and so for as long as I need they give me clear airwaves (they know that they will get the juicy details later). The friends who are a little too pushy, they get ignored.

One day maybe I will join the many and get trapped in the matrix. I will forget that I am alone. I will not need medication for depression and I too can become a technology zombie.

For now though, I am alone and I wish that those people who would be affected by my loss, realize that…
FOR NOW I AM PRESENT.

Lonely… November 2, 2013

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I keep making it…
Every week…
I take deep breaths
I blog
I cry
I pray
I complain
I ask God why
And I want to give up but someone says something that keeps me going and then the weekend comes.
And I cry
I HATE the weekend. I HATE Friday. I HATE it all. Why does every weekend have to be so lonely? Why am I lying in my bed crying? Where is the point to all of this?
I feel so used and useless. Unwanted and unloved. My heart breaks and shatters into countless pieces. There is no putting it back together. I don’t think I need it though, might as well sweep up the pieces and toss them in the trash.
I HATE this life. This purposeless and painful life. This life of secrets and lies and deceit and pain. This life of insincerity and unfaithfulness and apathy. This life that keeps beating people into the ground over and over until they are not sure why they keep getting up.

I lie here but I don’t know why I cry.
I don’t think I want to be part of another weekend. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t feel like pretending that life hasn’t bullied me to the ground. Stamped all over me and left me to wonder is it worth getting up again.

Slit Wrists… October 18, 2013

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I am going to try to keep things clean. I know you dont like a mess. It really wasn’t supposed to be like this. I promise this has nothing to do with you. Get over it and move on (thats what they said to me) …

I smile as I think about the past, there are many happy memories. I would like to say that I catch a glimpse of the future but I see no future. That tunnel, its been there for a long time, so long that I can maneuver through it in the dark. I cant remember the last time I saw light, I would probable be blinded in an instant if even the tiniest speck could find its way down here.

Strong and independent, I hear those words used to describe me. Those words mean nothing anymore, the only word that describes me now is ALONE.

The kind of alone, where I speak to remember what a voice sounds like.

The kind of alone, where I turn on the TV to pretend someone is in the house with me and go to sleep with it on so I am not too afraid to sleep.

The kind of alone, where I name the plants and talk to them as if they were my best friends.

Alone, where in my mind I have a whole family and another life, and that life while challenging is better than anything in reality.

I am not sure if anyone understands my reality. I find myself crying, I used to do it in the privacy of my home but now it also happens in public. I have a love hate relationship with other families and people’s children because they are not mine and more than ever I want a family. I have never wanted to do everything on my own even though I am great at it and could probably write my own self-help book.

My fitness family says, ‘go out and exercise, it will make you feel better.’ I have tried, it doesnt work for me.

Others have said, ‘go out, meet people, socialize, have sex.’ I definitely dont know how to do that.

I am not interested in small talk, and awkward conversations about shopping. I dont do gossip or TV. I almost hate sex. I dont need a boat load of people who are never there when I need someone but all call themselves my friends.

But it doesnt matter now, does it? The decision has been made, I already have the things I need. One more chance. Yeah, one more chance I think.

I don’t know what it feels like. What life feels like! I am not sure it even exists anymore. I just want to feel it, one more time. The rush, the adrenaline, the excitement. I smile… I feel my heart pumping, I hear the blood rushing. Look at it flow, that was exciting! Now I must rest.

I hope I didnt leave a mess…

I hope I didnt leave too much of a mess…

I hope I havent cause too much trouble…

I hope you are happy…

I hope…

I hope I didnt leave a mess, I know how you hate messes…