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3.5 Years: It’s Over… September 18, 2016

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Let’s start from the end. It’s been three days since he told me it was over. My heart understands and accepts. My mind has been trying to make sense of it all. He asked me to meet him at the park, I don’t know why. I am not sure what he had hoped to accomplish. Did he want to see me cry? Was I supposed to break down and beg for forgiveness? I asked, “why didn’t you just send me a text?” I told him he made me waste my time coming over here for no reason. I tried to get in my car and he pushed my door closed and told me we were going to talk, because people talk about these things? HUH?!? They talk after a decision has already been made? I guess I might be confused about the process.

So I stood there and I let him talk. I brought up a few points and noted that his answer was the same as he had given for the past three and a half years. I realized that either he was clueless and didn’t understand how human beings should behave or he just didn’t care and never did. I stood there as he spoke waiting for my heart to feel something, to break, to burst, to explode, to disintegrate but nothing happened. I waited for the wobble in my voice that indicated I was about to cry and embarrass myself but it never came. I was simply annoyed that he didn’t just send me a text saying that it was over. A simple text or a phone call. I know it sounds impersonal but my heart didn’t love him anymore and it hadn’t loved him for a while. My journal and my conversations show exactly when I became aware that I had stopped loving him but there was part of me that had loved him for so long that it had become easy to say that I loved him. Even the email I wrote asking for my money back would lead one to believe that I still loved him but that is so far from the truth.

For three and a half years I only wanted to two things from him 1) be my friend and treat me right 2) help me to achieve this one goal that I can’t seem to figure out how to navigate and accomplish. He failed at both and for that whole time I was too afraid to walk away or stand up for myself, because my heart was convinced that I loved him and those few flickers when the “real” him showed up said that some part of him actually loved me.

That night I understood that:

  • he thought I was intelligent but yet too stupid to understand his point of view
  • he wanted me to be his lover and friend but yet invisible to the world
  • I don’t factor in his grand scheme of things and I never did
  • all he ever wanted to do was use me
  • he could throw me away as easily as he tossed his pet
  • no one matters to him but himself

AND most importantly

  • most of this was my fault because I let it happen over and over again. When a person is so hurt by another person that they start planning their suicide, it’s a huge red flag…

…stay tuned for the 3.5 years: the letter

 

The Amazing Spiderman 2 May 11, 2014

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Last night I gave up on the man I love.
Last night I gave up on 99.5% of the population.
Last night I gave up on my identity.
Last night I gave up on me.
Then I went to see Spiderman. As a matter of fact, I went to see ‘The Amazing Spiderman 2’.

Let me back up a little…
I believe in messages. I believe that God uses any forum necessary to get his message to us. I also believe that God reaches out and speaks directly to our heart when we have ignored every other message he has sent.

Last night I told God I was done. I told him I didn’t want to be nice, or patient, or funny or anything good. I told him I was off to get acquainted with my inner bitch. My lack of anger, the sadness and dread in my heart probably alerted him to the fact that my words were true and final.

I began to plan for intentional social isolation. Since I am the common unhappy denominator in all the social issues I raised, I concluded that removing myself would be the only logical option. No longer would I be forced to listen to excuses about being ‘too busy’, no presents to give or receive, no arguments/ confrontations, no bad treatment in the name of love, no crying etc.
Then I went to see a movie.

As I sat in the movie theater I thought about:
* the one who says ‘I can’t do anything nice for you because you will fall further in love with me’.
*the people who have never walked my story or even been involved in pieces of it but have an opinion.
*those that say ‘learn to live alone’, ‘be content with what you have’, or ‘go out and get what you need/want’
*ME, how often I reach out of my shell, step far out of my comfort zone to invite people into my life, to interact with others. The fact that while many claim to understand the surface layers of my struggle, very few have delved into the depths of my struggle.
My thoughts ran unfiltered through my tortured mind and as I chose to let it all go, my heart stop beating for a moment. The days, weeks, months, years rushed together and I heard…

… what makes life valuable is that it doesn’t last forever, what makes it precious is that it ends. I know that now more than ever. And I say it today of all days to remind us that time is luck. So don’t waste it living someone else’s life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live? – taken from The Amazing Spiderman 2.

Instead of leaving my past, my present made the decision to stay and to fight.
They say ‘The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak’. They would be right.

As I sit here crying and writing because my spirit won’t let go, these words replay in my head…
‘Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live?’

The question remains though…
‘How do you fight for people who don’t want to be fought for?

Slit Wrists… October 18, 2013

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I am going to try to keep things clean. I know you dont like a mess. It really wasn’t supposed to be like this. I promise this has nothing to do with you. Get over it and move on (thats what they said to me) …

I smile as I think about the past, there are many happy memories. I would like to say that I catch a glimpse of the future but I see no future. That tunnel, its been there for a long time, so long that I can maneuver through it in the dark. I cant remember the last time I saw light, I would probable be blinded in an instant if even the tiniest speck could find its way down here.

Strong and independent, I hear those words used to describe me. Those words mean nothing anymore, the only word that describes me now is ALONE.

The kind of alone, where I speak to remember what a voice sounds like.

The kind of alone, where I turn on the TV to pretend someone is in the house with me and go to sleep with it on so I am not too afraid to sleep.

The kind of alone, where I name the plants and talk to them as if they were my best friends.

Alone, where in my mind I have a whole family and another life, and that life while challenging is better than anything in reality.

I am not sure if anyone understands my reality. I find myself crying, I used to do it in the privacy of my home but now it also happens in public. I have a love hate relationship with other families and people’s children because they are not mine and more than ever I want a family. I have never wanted to do everything on my own even though I am great at it and could probably write my own self-help book.

My fitness family says, ‘go out and exercise, it will make you feel better.’ I have tried, it doesnt work for me.

Others have said, ‘go out, meet people, socialize, have sex.’ I definitely dont know how to do that.

I am not interested in small talk, and awkward conversations about shopping. I dont do gossip or TV. I almost hate sex. I dont need a boat load of people who are never there when I need someone but all call themselves my friends.

But it doesnt matter now, does it? The decision has been made, I already have the things I need. One more chance. Yeah, one more chance I think.

I don’t know what it feels like. What life feels like! I am not sure it even exists anymore. I just want to feel it, one more time. The rush, the adrenaline, the excitement. I smile… I feel my heart pumping, I hear the blood rushing. Look at it flow, that was exciting! Now I must rest.

I hope I didnt leave a mess…

I hope I didnt leave too much of a mess…

I hope I havent cause too much trouble…

I hope you are happy…

I hope…

I hope I didnt leave a mess, I know how you hate messes…

5 Life Tasks (Part 1) March 12, 2012

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As LUCK would have it, (refer back to my monthly update for March) a kindly soul came a long and put me on the rainbow to my pot of gold. ( I am going to stop the March, leprechaun, etc. references now because I am sure I will run out long before my post is finished).

I have been ruminating on two things since my last post, how to build my vision board and how to live up to my March post.

My Vision Board and March

Last year, I created a vision board. It was my first one ever and while quite beautiful (if i do say so myself) it served no real purpose except to decorate my wall for a whole year. I didn’t accomplish anything on my board. I remember gazing at it lovingly, tracing its cursive letters with my fingertips and sighing as I walked away wondering if and when those things would ever occur. As 2012 dawned upon me, I racked my brain as to how to delight my senses with another creative masterpiece  but the thoughts flitted away like butterflies on a hot summer day. I have been torturing myself since September 2011, forcing my mind to dwell on this gravely important project but my mind remained blank. In January, I gave up. I threw my hands in the air and I said there is no point, 2012 has started it is too late to do a vision board, yet again you have squandared away the time and you have nothing to show for it, what am I going to do with you! (yes quite often I speak to myself dramatically).

With March came awareness, (I wish I could say sleep too, but alas no its 3.30 AM and I am writing again). In March, I learned that I had created a vision board of possibilities. The graduation- yes possible but after 2014 cause I had to go back to school first, the family- yes possible but after I dealt with my present relationship status and began working on a new relationship, the prayer – yes possible as soon as I started saying it, relaxation – yes possible as soon as I started taking myself seriously and putting me first; I must admit I was stunned and I did feel a little stupid. I was even tempted to change the ‘1’ in 2011 to a ‘2’ and make the board 2012, but I knew I had to make my vision board new and alive for 2012. This weekend a thought tickled my brain and I felt a flutter in my heart and before I knew it I had started working on my 2012 vision board. Maybe I should call it a NOW board, cause everytime I look at it I should ask myself the question ‘ Which of these things are you working on NOW?’

BACK TO THE REASON FOR THIS POST

My present lifestyle goes something like this home, work, home, work (repeat until close to insanity) church, NJ, home, work, home, work (repeat until close to insanity) do somthing wild like get ears pierced for the third time, home, work, (repeat until close to insanity) go on vacation, REPEAT…I am sure you get my drift… I have been wondering how to create balance. It is easy to be told how to do it, it is not easy to do it especially when the cycle of unhealthiness has become a habit. It becomes worse when the connections to reality are being held by the people on the other side of the computer or telephone. I love walking, sitting in the bookstore, reading in the park, lying on the beach, eating at a restaurant, but who want us to do everything by themself all the time or with strangers (meeting new people) or with people they only know on the surface? Some days I choose to be “bored” at home cause the people I know, the people who know me and understand my quirkiness are too far away to go out with me.

Anyway, so this little birdy told me, divide your life into these five life tasks

1. LOVE

2. FRIENDSHIP

3. WORK

4. SELF-DIRECTION

5. SPIRITUALITY

Give each, equal amounts of time. Prioritize each week or even each day.

I am working on a new name for my vision board, I am calling it either my NOW board or my PRESENT. I will know for sure when I am finished.

As I work on each Life Task, I will share more. If you have any thoughts, please share, you know I love to read them. They bolster my courage.