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3.5 Years: It’s Over… September 18, 2016

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Let’s start from the end. It’s been three days since he told me it was over. My heart understands and accepts. My mind has been trying to make sense of it all. He asked me to meet him at the park, I don’t know why. I am not sure what he had hoped to accomplish. Did he want to see me cry? Was I supposed to break down and beg for forgiveness? I asked, “why didn’t you just send me a text?” I told him he made me waste my time coming over here for no reason. I tried to get in my car and he pushed my door closed and told me we were going to talk, because people talk about these things?┬áHUH?!? They talk after a decision has already been made? I guess I might be confused about the process.

So I stood there and I let him talk. I brought up a few points and noted that his answer was the same as he had given for the past three and a half years. I realized that either he was clueless and didn’t understand how human beings should behave or he just didn’t care and never did. I stood there as he spoke waiting for my heart to feel something, to break, to burst, to explode, to disintegrate but nothing happened. I waited for the wobble in my voice that indicated I was about to cry and embarrass myself but it never came. I was simply annoyed that he didn’t just send me a text saying that it was over. A simple text or a phone call. I know it sounds impersonal but my heart didn’t love him anymore and it hadn’t loved him for a while. My journal and my conversations show exactly when I became aware that I had stopped loving him but there was part of me that had loved him for so long that it had become easy to say that I loved him. Even the email I wrote asking for my money back would lead one to believe that I still loved him but that is so far from the truth.

For three and a half years I only wanted to two things from him 1) be my friend and treat me right 2) help me to achieve this one goal that I can’t seem to figure out how to navigate and accomplish. He failed at both and for that whole time I was too afraid to walk away or stand up for myself, because my heart was convinced that I loved him and those few flickers when the “real” him showed up said that some part of him actually loved me.

That night I understood that:

  • he thought I was intelligent but yet too stupid to understand his point of view
  • he wanted me to be his lover and friend but yet invisible to the world
  • I don’t factor in his grand scheme of things and I never did
  • all he ever wanted to do was use me
  • he could throw me away as easily as he tossed his pet
  • no one matters to him but himself

AND most importantly

  • most of this was my fault because I let it happen over and over again. When a person is so hurt by another person that they start planning their suicide, it’s a huge red flag…

…stay tuned for the 3.5 years: the letter

 

Am I Pregnant? October 15, 2014

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I think God cried for me today. Some of this rain must have been the tears I couldn’t shed as once again I was forced to face a reality, I usually try to avoid.
She looked at me, said she liked my top and then asked me if I was pregnant. How many more times am I going to have to face that question? How many more times are people going to tell me that I am next? Or ask me when I plan to have babies?
Am I going to have to get T-shirt that says don’t ask me about babies? Single and loving it? Will never get a chance to be a mom? What should my t-shirt say?
I convince myself everyday that not having a family doesn’t bother me. I tell myself I am happy I have no husband and I am blessed that I don’t have kids. I can usually brainwash myself into thinking that it doesn’t matter if I never have children. I am happy. I love my nieces and nephews and that’s enough.
But there are the baby showers and the bridal showers and the cute little babies and the happiness and the questions asking me when and I am reminded that things are not right.
I have dreamed all my life of my family. I could picture them in my head, I knew my kids’ names. I didn’t want pets, I wanted a family.
And I can’t have one.
It’s taken me, 15 years to get to the point where I could lie to myself and say it doesn’t matter. 15 years of crying and doctors and struggling. I don’t want to be reminded that my life feels incomplete. And I don’t need to hear about the wonders of adoption.
So the answer to the question, am I pregnant is no. Can I get pregnant? By miracles. If you ask me again and I break down in front of you, will that be a good enough answer?
Why does this have to hurt so much?

I never asked for easy… May 2, 2014

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My body hurts. My feet, my ankles, my hips, etc. and I love it, because I played basketball with my six graders. I scored (the only person who did) making it a win for the girls… I need my kids to know that someone truly cares. I want them to understand that no matter how hard I am on them, I still love them and I will challenge them to be awesome. I don’t want them to aspire towards an “easy” life.

None of my prayers involve me asking God for an easy life. I don’t want one. An easy life has no work. It shows no struggle. There is no honest laughter. No attempts to escape from reality into fantasy. No almost. No reason to be thankful. No success. An easy life is a mere existence.
I don’t want to just exist.
Seriously who would ever want an easy life?!?
August 2014 would be 13 years since I took a leap of faith and moved to the US. A journey that began with being an undergrad. Some would say I had it easy because I had a scholarship but scholarships come with rules and requirements for maintenance. And I think college professors plan their syllabus with the intention of making the students work for that money.
My fondest memories of college have nothing to do with easy.
I remember going to class all day, working on a group project all evening, spending eight hours (night into the next morning) with my injured boyfriend in an emergency room and then going to class to make a presentation in the same clothes I had worn the day before.
I busted my toe on an escalator on my way to work at Hopkins, didn’t realise until I was in the elevator to my office and felt my big toe swimming in a pool of blood. I had to go look for a doctor to take care of my toe.
The school of education suggested no more than 18 credits per semester, and every semester I had to go running around to get permission to do 22 or 23.
And what about that coach who gave me an incomplete that turned into an F in P.E. and I was the best swimmer in his class.
People say the struggle is real. I revel in it.
I never ask God for easy.
There is no such thing as easy when you teach. I think human beings are hilarious.
My favorite joke: OMG!!! I had to talk to people all day. People kept asking me questions. The store was so busy, I didn’t get my break the customers kept coming. My feet hurt. I haven’t gone to the bathroom all day. People just won’t leave me alone. I WAS SO BUSY (that I didn’t have time to be a decent human being and send you a text or give you a call to see how you were doing)!!!
I am laughing as I write this, but I am also extremely sad because people tell me this all the time and it’s either they want sympathy or they want me to accept their excuse for neglecting a friendship.
The truth is I can’t sympathize. I think that is a poor and pathetic excuse. When people say these things to me I want to be rude an interrupt.
I want to say:
“I don’t believe in comparing jobs. I don’t believe that one job is hard than another. I believe that every job has its own set of challenges for the person working that job. I agree that jobs get super busy and things get crazy. BUT I am a teacher, so when your excuse for being selfish is that your life was busy, before you look to me for sympathy ASK YOURSELF
Could I have interrupted that person who was talking and gone to the bathroom? That last post on fb could I have better used that time responding to work emails or texts? Could I have eaten in that fifteen minutes I spent gossiping?
…because I AM A TEACHER
I have 22 little bodies for 90 minutes, complete with their own personalities and neediness and I can’t leave them alone and go to the bathroom. I can’t answer emails and or texts while they pretend to work quietly. Sometimes I spend that fifteen minutes walking in the halls while eating my lunch while having a conference with a kid or a conversation with an adult. I have been known to sit on the floor in the hallway, because today I just needed to sit.
And guess what?!?
I STILL FOUND SOMETIME FOR YOU”

I NEVER ASKED FOR EASY…
I have asked for a unicorn, a jump rope and a human.
Unicorns, they remind me that there is beauty and magic in everything. In every argument, set back, stressor. Sometimes in my struggle I stop and I cry and then I laugh because I understand that this is real. I am reminded that I asked for this and I know the reward will be AWESOME. Even if the reward is seeing my favorite person or a random stranger smile.
A jump rope, so versatile. It reminds me to be flexible. To bend and turn as needed. I can be a tool advocating good health. I can be supportive. I can hold things together if they seem to be coming apart at the seams. I can be entertaining.
A human, yes, I asked for a guy. A companion. I have had my two longest relationships while living in the US. One ended in divorce and I couldn’t begin to explain what has happened or is happening in the other one. None of my present future goals involve dating, having a bf/gf relationship or marriage. I just want a dependable male friend. Out of everything I have done in my life, I am at the point where I am ready to ask God for easy. I have said God, this is what I am looking for in that person, ALL of my journals (even the teenage ones where I planned my future) have the same criteria.
Then God said, here he is you can have him, but you can’t have him. God made sure my heart fell in love before my head got involved.
I never asked for easy, all I wanted was someone who would be my support, help me stay sane, fight with me, talk to me, trust me and I in turn could be the same and more for them. I asked for a friend. Instead, I got a person who doesn’t trust me, doesn’t want to be in my life, is almost always TOO BUSY for me, says I am worth it but treats me like nothing (maybe I am worth nothing in his eyes), he has this trick – if I complain about something he is not doing, his response is “you know earlier I was thinking about doing that today”, then he still doesn’t do it. I don’t know why God put him in my life and truthfully he has probably moved on with his life and not said anything to me.
Everyday I cry.
Everyday I hurt.
Everyday I say to God, ‘Lord, I didn’t ask for easy and I probably never will but is this friendship even possible?’

Off My Chest December 26, 2013

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