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The Amazing Spiderman 2 May 11, 2014

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Last night I gave up on the man I love.
Last night I gave up on 99.5% of the population.
Last night I gave up on my identity.
Last night I gave up on me.
Then I went to see Spiderman. As a matter of fact, I went to see ‘The Amazing Spiderman 2’.

Let me back up a little…
I believe in messages. I believe that God uses any forum necessary to get his message to us. I also believe that God reaches out and speaks directly to our heart when we have ignored every other message he has sent.

Last night I told God I was done. I told him I didn’t want to be nice, or patient, or funny or anything good. I told him I was off to get acquainted with my inner bitch. My lack of anger, the sadness and dread in my heart probably alerted him to the fact that my words were true and final.

I began to plan for intentional social isolation. Since I am the common unhappy denominator in all the social issues I raised, I concluded that removing myself would be the only logical option. No longer would I be forced to listen to excuses about being ‘too busy’, no presents to give or receive, no arguments/ confrontations, no bad treatment in the name of love, no crying etc.
Then I went to see a movie.

As I sat in the movie theater I thought about:
* the one who says ‘I can’t do anything nice for you because you will fall further in love with me’.
*the people who have never walked my story or even been involved in pieces of it but have an opinion.
*those that say ‘learn to live alone’, ‘be content with what you have’, or ‘go out and get what you need/want’
*ME, how often I reach out of my shell, step far out of my comfort zone to invite people into my life, to interact with others. The fact that while many claim to understand the surface layers of my struggle, very few have delved into the depths of my struggle.
My thoughts ran unfiltered through my tortured mind and as I chose to let it all go, my heart stop beating for a moment. The days, weeks, months, years rushed together and I heard…

… what makes life valuable is that it doesn’t last forever, what makes it precious is that it ends. I know that now more than ever. And I say it today of all days to remind us that time is luck. So don’t waste it living someone else’s life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live? – taken from The Amazing Spiderman 2.

Instead of leaving my past, my present made the decision to stay and to fight.
They say ‘The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak’. They would be right.

As I sit here crying and writing because my spirit won’t let go, these words replay in my head…
‘Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live?’

The question remains though…
‘How do you fight for people who don’t want to be fought for?


Slit Wrists… October 18, 2013

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I am going to try to keep things clean. I know you dont like a mess. It really wasn’t supposed to be like this. I promise this has nothing to do with you. Get over it and move on (thats what they said to me) …

I smile as I think about the past, there are many happy memories. I would like to say that I catch a glimpse of the future but I see no future. That tunnel, its been there for a long time, so long that I can maneuver through it in the dark. I cant remember the last time I saw light, I would probable be blinded in an instant if even the tiniest speck could find its way down here.

Strong and independent, I hear those words used to describe me. Those words mean nothing anymore, the only word that describes me now is ALONE.

The kind of alone, where I speak to remember what a voice sounds like.

The kind of alone, where I turn on the TV to pretend someone is in the house with me and go to sleep with it on so I am not too afraid to sleep.

The kind of alone, where I name the plants and talk to them as if they were my best friends.

Alone, where in my mind I have a whole family and another life, and that life while challenging is better than anything in reality.

I am not sure if anyone understands my reality. I find myself crying, I used to do it in the privacy of my home but now it also happens in public. I have a love hate relationship with other families and people’s children because they are not mine and more than ever I want a family. I have never wanted to do everything on my own even though I am great at it and could probably write my own self-help book.

My fitness family says, ‘go out and exercise, it will make you feel better.’ I have tried, it doesnt work for me.

Others have said, ‘go out, meet people, socialize, have sex.’ I definitely dont know how to do that.

I am not interested in small talk, and awkward conversations about shopping. I dont do gossip or TV. I almost hate sex. I dont need a boat load of people who are never there when I need someone but all call themselves my friends.

But it doesnt matter now, does it? The decision has been made, I already have the things I need. One more chance. Yeah, one more chance I think.

I don’t know what it feels like. What life feels like! I am not sure it even exists anymore. I just want to feel it, one more time. The rush, the adrenaline, the excitement. I smile… I feel my heart pumping, I hear the blood rushing. Look at it flow, that was exciting! Now I must rest.

I hope I didnt leave a mess…

I hope I didnt leave too much of a mess…

I hope I havent cause too much trouble…

I hope you are happy…

I hope…

I hope I didnt leave a mess, I know how you hate messes…

What’s a girl to do? May 10, 2013

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Sometimes we ask for things, not knowing the true effect it will have on our lives.
This all started with a note to God.

‘Dear God, ‘ she wrote, ‘I am so terribly lonely. Lord, you know I like my alone time but sometimes I just need to have someone there. Someone who holds my hand, just because. A shoulder I could cry on. Some one to feed/cook for (I need a taste tester…hee hee)’

She had given God a long, long list. There was no way he could screw it up, all she wanted was a close friend who lived in the same state, so she could hang out, etc.

Easy enough, request right?

She sent off her list and with little faith waited. In the mean time she began the tedious task of closing chapters and burning down the bridges of a past life.

She had just about given up on her wish when he strolled into her life. If the girl with the hidden heart had understood what he would come to mean to her, I am sure she would have left his presence. Her scarcely seen, very sassy and outgoing alter ego decided to show up that night and things have never been the same since then.

He presented his own share of challenges that she had not even begun to address when she made her list. She knew, she would either live to regret her decision, or die ecstatically. She began to dig her bruised heart out of the deep lead-lined pit, it wasnt long before she realized though that while she had opened up more than she ever had with anyone; he had yet to fulfill her wish list. Her heart soared every time she heard his voice, got his text, or saw him; but deep down she was becoming even lonelier.

God wasn’t done complicating her life. He sent guy number 2 and number 3. What was she to do with all three? And why were these guys so interested in her? Was it her physical appearance? Maybe her flirtatiousness? Or could it be desperation on their part? (she really needed to work on her self esteem issues).

Everything seemed to be working out for her but not working out. How could there be three eligibles but none eligible? She wasn’t looking for Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right (unless that was their actual surname :-} ). She just needed a friend, someone whose waking goal wasn’t to get her out of her panties. Number 3, didnt last very long, he definitely wanted a no panties relationship.

Number 2 is quite interesting though, he fits the list just as well as 1. But still the girl is waiting.

She is getting tired though, tired of waiting, tired of hoping.

LUCK… March 7, 2012

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Talk about PROCRASTINATION, February finished before I finished writing my blog about love and I started on the 5th. Since this is the month of March and the 4 leaf clover, with luck I will finish this one before March ends.

For 2012 I am renaming February, HUH???, cause I am not sure when it started, what happened during February or when it ended. If anyone asks I can honestly tell them that for me January ended last week and then March started. February 2012 just didnot exist for me.

So I have decided I need to truly make the rest of this year count. My girlfriend and I talked about 2012 being our year. This is the third month and I am still missing my one and only resolution. I really havent gotten to the core of it yet.

I went searching for a four leaf clover design (yes! I am still thinking about getting a tattoo) and as I searched I did a little reading too. I found a short article that talked about the four leaves of the clover representing faith, hope, love, and luck. I am thinking that I may just have to make that symbol more prominent in my home. I am not concerned about the luck so much but definitely the principles of faith, hope and love.

Faith- believing in myself that I have the strength and the ability through God to do all that he has planned for me.

Hope- that my needs and wants for myself are in tune with God’s needs and wants for me and therefore things will happen as soon as I step up and start working on them

Love- taking care of me FIRST…creating a motto of self-love and as such using my new found desires and energy to reach out to others

Luck- Atlantic City HERE I COME!!! (lol…with faith, hope, and love- luck is GUARANTEED)

As the month of March races off to a healthy start, I dont want to look back and say, ‘BUT WAIT!!! IT’S JUNE! SUMMER IS STARTING AND I STILL HAVENT ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING.’ I know its 2.15am here but since I can’t sleep I guess it wont hurt to get up and get a start on making March MAGNIFICENT.

One of the biggest things I have been hearing from my friends lately is ‘get out and go make some friends, get off of facebook, go do some fun things’, I am hearing you friends. I admit I havent been listening too well but I do hear you. Maybe I can work on one thing related to “getting out” this month, hmmm…

CONFESSION: Meeting people and socializing is SCARY! It involves opening a door to a room in my heart that barely gets used. A room that used to be the easiest to open and the hardest to close. A room where everything is now tinged with more sadness than joy. Most times I swear it is better to pass that room, that door, without  a glance than to turn the key and wonder at the possibilities. I hate closed doors, I want to throw these wide open and say ‘welcome’  but the consequence is usually an acute disappointment, the lingering whisper ‘why did you let this happen again’?