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3.5 Years: It’s Over… September 18, 2016

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Let’s start from the end. It’s been three days since he told me it was over. My heart understands and accepts. My mind has been trying to make sense of it all. He asked me to meet him at the park, I don’t know why. I am not sure what he had hoped to accomplish. Did he want to see me cry? Was I supposed to break down and beg for forgiveness? I asked, “why didn’t you just send me a text?” I told him he made me waste my time coming over here for no reason. I tried to get in my car and he pushed my door closed and told me we were going to talk, because people talk about these things?¬†HUH?!? They talk after a decision has already been made? I guess I might be confused about the process.

So I stood there and I let him talk. I brought up a few points and noted that his answer was the same as he had given for the past three and a half years. I realized that either he was clueless and didn’t understand how human beings should behave or he just didn’t care and never did. I stood there as he spoke waiting for my heart to feel something, to break, to burst, to explode, to disintegrate but nothing happened. I waited for the wobble in my voice that indicated I was about to cry and embarrass myself but it never came. I was simply annoyed that he didn’t just send me a text saying that it was over. A simple text or a phone call. I know it sounds impersonal but my heart didn’t love him anymore and it hadn’t loved him for a while. My journal and my conversations show exactly when I became aware that I had stopped loving him but there was part of me that had loved him for so long that it had become easy to say that I loved him. Even the email I wrote asking for my money back would lead one to believe that I still loved him but that is so far from the truth.

For three and a half years I only wanted to two things from him 1) be my friend and treat me right 2) help me to achieve this one goal that I can’t seem to figure out how to navigate and accomplish. He failed at both and for that whole time I was too afraid to walk away or stand up for myself, because my heart was convinced that I loved him and those few flickers when the “real” him showed up said that some part of him actually loved me.

That night I understood that:

  • he thought I was intelligent but yet too stupid to understand his point of view
  • he wanted me to be his lover and friend but yet invisible to the world
  • I don’t factor in his grand scheme of things and I never did
  • all he ever wanted to do was use me
  • he could throw me away as easily as he tossed his pet
  • no one matters to him but himself

AND most importantly

  • most of this was my fault because I let it happen over and over again. When a person is so hurt by another person that they start planning their suicide, it’s a huge red flag…

…stay tuned for the 3.5 years: the letter

 

My Pillow January 6, 2014

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You are stuck with me… October 28, 2013

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I am stealing this format from Jada Pinkett Smith (had to get this off my chest so I could focus)

A letter to a friend…
I believe that it was Einstein who said, ‘doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity’.
The problem is not the doing it over (after all practice makes perfect). The problem is expecting a different result. Things are not going to change.

Maybe you should try something different. Something exotic, something new (the shift in the matrix).
Have you considered that maybe your will doesn’t align with God’s will?
Have you considered that God might want you to sit out this game?
Why do you have to be in a relationship?
I don’t pretend to know the ways of the world.
I don’t pretend to know your every thought.
You know me, I don’t have any reason to pretend.

Today, I am not appealing to your head, I speak to your heart. From my heart to yours, the one you try to hide in that dark chamber with the bars and big locks and the keys and the guard dogs.
Yes, that heart that you revealed to me before you knew what was happening.

On behalf of that heart I speak:
Friend, take some time to heal. All this stuff will be there. The people might change but this break will strengthen and rebuild you, rejuvenate your spirit. Allow things to end, before you start something new.

Friend, I see you so clearly and it hurts my heart. I ache with every fiber in my being. Please, please don’t begin the insanity again. Step back, heal, get stronger, open your eyes. God hasn’t left you to do it alone, my presence in your life isn’t a mistake.

GOD DOESN’T MAKE MISTAKES!!!

You are stuck with me,
Fay

You don’t love me… October 21, 2013

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I told him, I hope the next guy I meet loves me the way you don’t love me.

He says he doesn’t love me.
He says he’s not interested in dating a girl like me.
He says can’t control it, and he didn’t know when love will strike.
He says he is interested in maybe having a relationship with another woman.
He says I am not the one for him.
He says he doesn’t love me the way I love him.

I know he must be telling the truth, this could not be love, because I have never felt love like this.
Love, I doubt it exists.

I really mean it, the next guy who says he loves me needs to love me the way he doesn’t
He sends me a message every morning and answers my good night texts at night.
He checks in to find out if I ate.
In the middle of the day he sends me a random ‘are you ok?’ to make sure I am fine (and I find myself looking out for them).
He messages me to get to the gym to work out, he knows I have goals towards increasing my health and being  fit. I also think he remembers that we will get to see each other if I go.
He swears he will always be in my life
He tells me no cuddling, then pulls me into his lap where I snuggle into his chest, curl into his arms and inhale his essence.
He looks into my eyes and we chat about life. He shares his secrets and steals mine from my lips.
He heats my blood with his kisses. Convinces my mind that I am sexy and makes love to my whole being.

The funny thing is that’s just the bare minimum of what he can do, and its all he will let me see but I have explored him with my six senses and there is so much more brewing and building beneath the surface.

I want him in my life forever, I already know that I love him.
Unfortunately though he doesn’t love me…