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Happy Birthday to me… July 4, 2014

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If it were up to me I wouldn’t be here.  35 would be the age I would never become. I would be forever immortalized at 34. Maybe even 16. It’s been a long road to get to today but surprisingly not as hard as I had imagined.  I didn’t believe that things could get easier or life could be happier.  In fact, as I reflect on the last seven months, I can’t say that I noticed my life got easier instead my attitude to certain things have changed. I use to worry about my life, my job, my spirituality, my lack of friends and especially my health. 

Last year I met my soul mate.  I know it sounds crazy. I didn’t want to believe it for a while,  I couldn’t understand how we fit.  Two pieces from very different puzzles,  recognizing each other.  It’s the most complicated relationship that I have ever not been in, and for a long time I let it stress and test my emotional and mental stability.  I had gotten to a place where everyday I cried; at home, work, in the car, stores, church. I was like a wounded animal. One day I decided to stop crying,  I promised to stop caring and I tried to convince myself that I was “done with all this”. That didn’t work.  Nothing I tried worked until I decided to make myself a priority. 

I gave myself seven months to live,  those seven months expired in June.  I thought I was depressed, turns out I was just exhausted from trying to silently impose my will upon others.  I spent so much time trying to understand the “why’s” of life and people instead of living my life.  I was listening to what people told me I should feel, or think, or believe.  In short,  I was NOT the person who I wanted to be,  I had lost me in the noise,  the constant brain-rattling,  soul-smashing noise and I couldn’t find my way out. 

I stopped talking…

Then I stopped listening…

And the voices stopped
And there was silence. I looked around and recognized the place I had found. I knew then that everything would work out just the way it was supposed to and no matter what happened I would be fine.

Now I don’t worry too much about my relationship with my soul mate. I have made SMART goals that I am actively working on in all the previous worry-filled areas of my life.  Things are not perfect, they never will be and I don’t want them to be because then I will be done living.  I know there is still much to do but I am taking my time and enjoying every step.

I make few posts. I journal more and make to-do lists.
I take less pictures. I am too busy enjoying the moments.
I listen to less advice. I am a visual learner.

Lately,  I have been doing me A LOTand it’s the best and most rewarding feeling ever. The noise is mostly gone and usually whatever is left I can tune out with my personal radio station. 

Today,  I can say HAPPY 35th BIRTHDAY to me and really mean it!!!
Today,  I choose to celebrate me!

No anniversary… April 17, 2014

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I have been feeling very out of sorts lately.
I am having a hard time enjoying even the moments. There are very few highs to my lows. I don’t even take pictures like I used to. Why bother?
Suicides seem to be on the rise. Too bad for me that I am not much of a follower. These beautiful people seemed to have so much going for them ( the outsider’s perspective) and yet they chose not to continue living. Depression? Is it really just a chemical imbalance in the brain? Is it fixable if I take drugs? Then why do I need coping strategies? Why are the side effects suicidal thoughts and depression? If I am on drugs, how would I know when I am truly happy? Maybe it is just a chemical imbalance but if so, it is alarming to me that so many people are suffering from this same chemical imbalance. Is it a radical thought to believe that drugs may not be the answer?
I think we have screwed ourselves over.   I think I have screwed myself over, continuing to allow myself to exist in this cesspool of inhumanity. Who am I doing this for? Surely not me. Everybody (acquaintances, family, friends, therapists, strangers) say, ‘think about the people who you leave behind in pain’, ‘think about all the people that will be hurt and suffer’.

Isn’t it funny how they tell you over and over that you are alone, you have to learn to be alone, you alone can make your own success, you have to work out alone and think for yourself and do EVERY F%&$ING thing alone, but when it comes to suicide you need to think about others?
Where were the others when I needed someone to talk to in the middle of the night?
Where were the others when I cried in my car?
Where were the others when I spent hours in the emergency room alone?
Where were the others when I went home and made dinner for myself night after night?
So many scenarios… So many life moments… So many… Too many… ALONE

Of course, I am to blame. I have given up on people. I am so far gone that when someone does something nice for me, or thanks me for something, or offers me something; I don’t know how to respond. I can feel the irregularities in my heart beat. I feel the adrenaline surge through my body and my fight or flight response kick in. Sometimes I think I have a mini panic attack. I am so surprised that my outward response hardly ever matches what I really want to/ should say.

Eight years ago, I got married.
Eight years later, I get to think about my actions.
I almost forgot about today, but I can’t, I won’t ever. That’s not an option. I don’t seem to do anything the easy way. In 2006, April 17 became my wedding anniversary, but before that it was my mom’s birthday and that day happened to be Easter Monday.
Eight years later, I sit here and I smile. I don’t feel like crying anymore.
I didn’t get the wedding, marriage, spouse, family that I wanted. But I remember smiling that day. I remember thinking I might be the happiest girl alive. I remembered thinking with God all things are possible.
I am not sure when I stopped believing in good things for myself. I haven’t stopped believing in good things for others, I pray for others and sometimes (by default) I rattle off some prayers from my old life that mention me.
I am sure everyone is going to be wonderful, no matter what choice I make.
I am not a follower.
I don’t want to be a negative statistic.
I don’t want to be a bother to others.
I don’t want all my smiles to be tinged with sadness.
I don’t want to remember what I want because I will never get it.
I don’t want drugs.
I don’t want
I don’t
I
(All that’s left a mere existence, with no impact on anything)