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The Amazing Spiderman 2 May 11, 2014

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Last night I gave up on the man I love.
Last night I gave up on 99.5% of the population.
Last night I gave up on my identity.
Last night I gave up on me.
Then I went to see Spiderman. As a matter of fact, I went to see ‘The Amazing Spiderman 2’.

Let me back up a little…
I believe in messages. I believe that God uses any forum necessary to get his message to us. I also believe that God reaches out and speaks directly to our heart when we have ignored every other message he has sent.

Last night I told God I was done. I told him I didn’t want to be nice, or patient, or funny or anything good. I told him I was off to get acquainted with my inner bitch. My lack of anger, the sadness and dread in my heart probably alerted him to the fact that my words were true and final.

I began to plan for intentional social isolation. Since I am the common unhappy denominator in all the social issues I raised, I concluded that removing myself would be the only logical option. No longer would I be forced to listen to excuses about being ‘too busy’, no presents to give or receive, no arguments/ confrontations, no bad treatment in the name of love, no crying etc.
Then I went to see a movie.

As I sat in the movie theater I thought about:
* the one who says ‘I can’t do anything nice for you because you will fall further in love with me’.
*the people who have never walked my story or even been involved in pieces of it but have an opinion.
*those that say ‘learn to live alone’, ‘be content with what you have’, or ‘go out and get what you need/want’
*ME, how often I reach out of my shell, step far out of my comfort zone to invite people into my life, to interact with others. The fact that while many claim to understand the surface layers of my struggle, very few have delved into the depths of my struggle.
My thoughts ran unfiltered through my tortured mind and as I chose to let it all go, my heart stop beating for a moment. The days, weeks, months, years rushed together and I heard…

… what makes life valuable is that it doesn’t last forever, what makes it precious is that it ends. I know that now more than ever. And I say it today of all days to remind us that time is luck. So don’t waste it living someone else’s life, make yours count for something. Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live? – taken from The Amazing Spiderman 2.

Instead of leaving my past, my present made the decision to stay and to fight.
They say ‘The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak’. They would be right.

As I sit here crying and writing because my spirit won’t let go, these words replay in my head…
‘Fight for what matters to you, no matter what. Because even if you fall short, what better way is there to live?’

The question remains though…
‘How do you fight for people who don’t want to be fought for?

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My Reality Check… April 23, 2014

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‘Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.’ – Albert Einstein

I think this applies to everyone adult and child. It has helped me to be much less critical as a teacher and it has taught me to provide more ways for my kids to be successful in completing a lesson. This is NOT about my job though.

People who don’t know me, think I have low self- esteem and I need to see a therapist.

The few people who know me, think I am too hard on myself. They are right! Sometimes I am forced to sit myself down and remind myself that I am only human. Yes, there are super human feats that occur in my life but I am human. Maybe that’s why the Christina Perri song resonates so deeply within my heart. It is a constant reminder that with all I do and don’t do the reality is that I am only human.

I am a smart girl. 

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

I am a smart girl.

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

I am a smart girl.

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

But like the fish, there comes a point when my human interactions become so overwhelmingly depressing that I do ask myself,

Is there something wrong with me? Why am I never enough? Am I stupid? Why can’t I do what everybody else seems to do so easily?

My inner voice is keeps screaming…

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE ENOUGH, FOR YOU, FOR GOD AND EVERYBODY YOU MEET! YOU ARE SMART! YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN UNIQUE AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES YOU AN AWESOME YOU!

but my inner voice has been getting softer and softer, more unsure…

maybe there is something wrong with you. you are enough for you and God but not worth much to anyone else. it’s obvious you are not so smart because you are letting this all bother you. you will never fit with your differences, yes you are unique but that only makes you an outlier and outsider. don’t expect to ever belong, to fit in.

I am a girl, a lady, a woman. I am simple and uncomplicated. Often I communicate my feelings before my mind is aware of them, before my mouth knows the words to utter. 

Today, I cried. 

Yeah, I have been crying a lot, so this is not news but when I cry almost uncontrollably in front of my class, that is a completely different story. 

Have you ever wanted to be loved? Loved for you, whole-heartedly unconditionally loved?

I know, I know God loves me. I have heard it. I believed it. He loved Adam too, he walked in the garden with Adam but yet he decided that Adam needed a partner and sent Eve. Am I less worthy to be loved? I am not just talking about love from the opposite sex.

When does a parent let their child know that no matter how they look, that they are loved or beautiful? Am I supposed to stop wanting that affirmation because I am an adult? Is it wrong to hope that one day I would hear the words I love you uttered from my father’s lips?

When will God explain why he made me a girl but I can’t do any of the natural girly things without the aide of medication etc.?

Why did my husband need me to where 6 inch heels everyday, tight pants, get a tramp stamp, put my cleavage on show and always have my hair braided before he thought he loved me? Why did he leave when I decided I needed to be my own person?

Why do other guys think that I am “stuck up” because my idea of a first date doesn’t involve spending the night at their house or vice versa?

Why do I have a beautiful soul, am good enough for sex, but I am a secret to the world? Why is it so easy to cheat on me? Why will I never be enough, never be good enough, never be right? 

Why won’t you let me enjoy the few moments moments of happiness I have with you? Why keep reminding me that it will end one day? Do you want me to be the same as you, bitter, jaded, self-deluded? Often I wonder why God put you in my life because you so obviously don’t want to be here. I do listen to your words as you repeatedly stab me in the heart.

I am not a very touchy person but today I needed a human touch. Unfortunately, I live on a slow-sinking island and the only people who have ever cared enough to accept me in all my uniqueness live hours, cities, states, countries away.

People say, ‘girl you need to learn to live alone’, but when you’ve lived alone so long that your favorite conversations are with the pet snake you are babysitting, how do you know when you’ve learned to live alone?

 

 

You are stuck with me… October 28, 2013

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I am stealing this format from Jada Pinkett Smith (had to get this off my chest so I could focus)

A letter to a friend…
I believe that it was Einstein who said, ‘doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity’.
The problem is not the doing it over (after all practice makes perfect). The problem is expecting a different result. Things are not going to change.

Maybe you should try something different. Something exotic, something new (the shift in the matrix).
Have you considered that maybe your will doesn’t align with God’s will?
Have you considered that God might want you to sit out this game?
Why do you have to be in a relationship?
I don’t pretend to know the ways of the world.
I don’t pretend to know your every thought.
You know me, I don’t have any reason to pretend.

Today, I am not appealing to your head, I speak to your heart. From my heart to yours, the one you try to hide in that dark chamber with the bars and big locks and the keys and the guard dogs.
Yes, that heart that you revealed to me before you knew what was happening.

On behalf of that heart I speak:
Friend, take some time to heal. All this stuff will be there. The people might change but this break will strengthen and rebuild you, rejuvenate your spirit. Allow things to end, before you start something new.

Friend, I see you so clearly and it hurts my heart. I ache with every fiber in my being. Please, please don’t begin the insanity again. Step back, heal, get stronger, open your eyes. God hasn’t left you to do it alone, my presence in your life isn’t a mistake.

GOD DOESN’T MAKE MISTAKES!!!

You are stuck with me,
Fay

What’s a girl to do? May 10, 2013

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Sometimes we ask for things, not knowing the true effect it will have on our lives.
This all started with a note to God.

‘Dear God, ‘ she wrote, ‘I am so terribly lonely. Lord, you know I like my alone time but sometimes I just need to have someone there. Someone who holds my hand, just because. A shoulder I could cry on. Some one to feed/cook for (I need a taste tester…hee hee)’

She had given God a long, long list. There was no way he could screw it up, all she wanted was a close friend who lived in the same state, so she could hang out, etc.

Easy enough, request right?

She sent off her list and with little faith waited. In the mean time she began the tedious task of closing chapters and burning down the bridges of a past life.

She had just about given up on her wish when he strolled into her life. If the girl with the hidden heart had understood what he would come to mean to her, I am sure she would have left his presence. Her scarcely seen, very sassy and outgoing alter ego decided to show up that night and things have never been the same since then.

He presented his own share of challenges that she had not even begun to address when she made her list. She knew, she would either live to regret her decision, or die ecstatically. She began to dig her bruised heart out of the deep lead-lined pit, it wasnt long before she realized though that while she had opened up more than she ever had with anyone; he had yet to fulfill her wish list. Her heart soared every time she heard his voice, got his text, or saw him; but deep down she was becoming even lonelier.

God wasn’t done complicating her life. He sent guy number 2 and number 3. What was she to do with all three? And why were these guys so interested in her? Was it her physical appearance? Maybe her flirtatiousness? Or could it be desperation on their part? (she really needed to work on her self esteem issues).

Everything seemed to be working out for her but not working out. How could there be three eligibles but none eligible? She wasn’t looking for Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right (unless that was their actual surname :-} ). She just needed a friend, someone whose waking goal wasn’t to get her out of her panties. Number 3, didnt last very long, he definitely wanted a no panties relationship.

Number 2 is quite interesting though, he fits the list just as well as 1. But still the girl is waiting.

She is getting tired though, tired of waiting, tired of hoping.