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Happy Birthday to me… July 4, 2014

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If it were up to me I wouldn’t be here.  35 would be the age I would never become. I would be forever immortalized at 34. Maybe even 16. It’s been a long road to get to today but surprisingly not as hard as I had imagined.  I didn’t believe that things could get easier or life could be happier.  In fact, as I reflect on the last seven months, I can’t say that I noticed my life got easier instead my attitude to certain things have changed. I use to worry about my life, my job, my spirituality, my lack of friends and especially my health. 

Last year I met my soul mate.  I know it sounds crazy. I didn’t want to believe it for a while,  I couldn’t understand how we fit.  Two pieces from very different puzzles,  recognizing each other.  It’s the most complicated relationship that I have ever not been in, and for a long time I let it stress and test my emotional and mental stability.  I had gotten to a place where everyday I cried; at home, work, in the car, stores, church. I was like a wounded animal. One day I decided to stop crying,  I promised to stop caring and I tried to convince myself that I was “done with all this”. That didn’t work.  Nothing I tried worked until I decided to make myself a priority. 

I gave myself seven months to live,  those seven months expired in June.  I thought I was depressed, turns out I was just exhausted from trying to silently impose my will upon others.  I spent so much time trying to understand the “why’s” of life and people instead of living my life.  I was listening to what people told me I should feel, or think, or believe.  In short,  I was NOT the person who I wanted to be,  I had lost me in the noise,  the constant brain-rattling,  soul-smashing noise and I couldn’t find my way out. 

I stopped talking…

Then I stopped listening…

And the voices stopped
And there was silence. I looked around and recognized the place I had found. I knew then that everything would work out just the way it was supposed to and no matter what happened I would be fine.

Now I don’t worry too much about my relationship with my soul mate. I have made SMART goals that I am actively working on in all the previous worry-filled areas of my life.  Things are not perfect, they never will be and I don’t want them to be because then I will be done living.  I know there is still much to do but I am taking my time and enjoying every step.

I make few posts. I journal more and make to-do lists.
I take less pictures. I am too busy enjoying the moments.
I listen to less advice. I am a visual learner.

Lately,  I have been doing me A LOTand it’s the best and most rewarding feeling ever. The noise is mostly gone and usually whatever is left I can tune out with my personal radio station. 

Today,  I can say HAPPY 35th BIRTHDAY to me and really mean it!!!
Today,  I choose to celebrate me!

Now I lay me down to sleep… May 5, 2014

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I love writing. I am discovering that I am not making time to develop my craft/talents. There are so many days that I dream about what I want to write but often don’t begin to write until I am lying in my bed with my eyes half-closed (just like tonight).
I climbed into bed tonight and I was prompted to pray that childhood prayer. But the uniqueness of the words made me want to write them down.
Now I lay me down to sleep…
Lord, I want to thank you for my challenges.
Suicidal thoughts: tried and failed twice. Didn’t attempt a third time because I figured I got God’s message. 22 years later I can say ‘I got it’. This lesson to be learned wasn’t about freeing the earth of my presence, or not going to hell, or caring about the impact of my actions on others.
It was always about me, living the life I talked about. Accepting my choices and being fully open to the consequences.
Depressed: feels like a never-ending state of being. I read some thing that identified it as a state of deep-rest. Deep-rest so powerful in its simplicity. Sometimes the struggles/trials are so multitudinous and so obstacle-filled that we believe our path is blocked and we stop. Our stop may be an admittance of defeat or a proposed short break. The fact that stopping was an option often translates into failure. Suddenly your rest becomes a pit of regrets and hurt holding you from seeing the present and its possibilities. Depression isn’t to be trivialized. I am there. I know exactly what it feels like, I know what I need to do to get out but depression can be like quicksand -if you struggle on your own with no plan you might sink further; its better to have a plan, move slowly and its always nice to have a buddy around who you are sure will throw you a life line.
Fear of success: 22 years of my life I was “small” and I hated every minute of it because I thought I was fat. People said amazingly mean things to me about how I looked, I didn’t wait to hear what the strangers said because those people were supposed to be my family. I never told them how they hurt me to my core and made me doubt myself. Now, I really fat and those same people who wagged their tongues before are wagging them now. I want to respond, to retaliate but I can’t, that’s not the kind of girl I am. So I write. I journal. I blog. I internalize. And I cry.
I AM AFRAID…
Afraid to lose weight and feel healthy. Afraid because…
*Even though I ignore the words, I still hear them, and words do hurt
*I know I need help, but there is no one to ask. No one who will help me beyond saying I have to motivate myself
*losing weight means new clothes, new clothes means shopping, shopping means psychological and emotional torture… Nothing looks right or fits right, I am misshaped and deformed. No one has to tell me I look stupid, I already know it!
My physical health suffers in my present shape but I am so afraid of not being happy in another form that I am stuck. And while I am continuously pushing others to be their best, everyone has given up on me and now I am lagging further and further behind.
As I close my eyes and think about how stupid I look in everything I try on, every piece of clothes I wear, a flash comes to my mind and I think about the small signs of muscle definition I see in my arms and legs.
Of course that might be my own delusions.
Everyday I pray for a person, I don’t want a personal trainer, instead I want a work out partner. Someone who will inspire me not with their words but with their actions.

Someone said to me once, ‘if it wasn’t for you I would never have finished’.
I want to be able to say those words to someone one day.

No anniversary… April 17, 2014

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I have been feeling very out of sorts lately.
I am having a hard time enjoying even the moments. There are very few highs to my lows. I don’t even take pictures like I used to. Why bother?
Suicides seem to be on the rise. Too bad for me that I am not much of a follower. These beautiful people seemed to have so much going for them ( the outsider’s perspective) and yet they chose not to continue living. Depression? Is it really just a chemical imbalance in the brain? Is it fixable if I take drugs? Then why do I need coping strategies? Why are the side effects suicidal thoughts and depression? If I am on drugs, how would I know when I am truly happy? Maybe it is just a chemical imbalance but if so, it is alarming to me that so many people are suffering from this same chemical imbalance. Is it a radical thought to believe that drugs may not be the answer?
I think we have screwed ourselves over.   I think I have screwed myself over, continuing to allow myself to exist in this cesspool of inhumanity. Who am I doing this for? Surely not me. Everybody (acquaintances, family, friends, therapists, strangers) say, ‘think about the people who you leave behind in pain’, ‘think about all the people that will be hurt and suffer’.

Isn’t it funny how they tell you over and over that you are alone, you have to learn to be alone, you alone can make your own success, you have to work out alone and think for yourself and do EVERY F%&$ING thing alone, but when it comes to suicide you need to think about others?
Where were the others when I needed someone to talk to in the middle of the night?
Where were the others when I cried in my car?
Where were the others when I spent hours in the emergency room alone?
Where were the others when I went home and made dinner for myself night after night?
So many scenarios… So many life moments… So many… Too many… ALONE

Of course, I am to blame. I have given up on people. I am so far gone that when someone does something nice for me, or thanks me for something, or offers me something; I don’t know how to respond. I can feel the irregularities in my heart beat. I feel the adrenaline surge through my body and my fight or flight response kick in. Sometimes I think I have a mini panic attack. I am so surprised that my outward response hardly ever matches what I really want to/ should say.

Eight years ago, I got married.
Eight years later, I get to think about my actions.
I almost forgot about today, but I can’t, I won’t ever. That’s not an option. I don’t seem to do anything the easy way. In 2006, April 17 became my wedding anniversary, but before that it was my mom’s birthday and that day happened to be Easter Monday.
Eight years later, I sit here and I smile. I don’t feel like crying anymore.
I didn’t get the wedding, marriage, spouse, family that I wanted. But I remember smiling that day. I remember thinking I might be the happiest girl alive. I remembered thinking with God all things are possible.
I am not sure when I stopped believing in good things for myself. I haven’t stopped believing in good things for others, I pray for others and sometimes (by default) I rattle off some prayers from my old life that mention me.
I am sure everyone is going to be wonderful, no matter what choice I make.
I am not a follower.
I don’t want to be a negative statistic.
I don’t want to be a bother to others.
I don’t want all my smiles to be tinged with sadness.
I don’t want to remember what I want because I will never get it.
I don’t want drugs.
I don’t want
I don’t
I
(All that’s left a mere existence, with no impact on anything)

Journal Entry 1 April 3, 2014

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I feel like a constant failure. I have accomplished nothing in my life. All my dreams, my goals are nothing. They are less than particles of dust in the wind. So much I want to do and say but no motivation.

I had a thought today…

– why do doctors/ paramedics try to save the lives of people who attempt suicide? Why not let me die? I think I would be more depressed if I woke up alive after building up my courage to kill myself. It would probably feel like another thing I failed at.

People say think about all the people whose lives you will negatively impact but where were those people/ those lives when I cried out for help constantly. Those people who said, ‘you should see a therapist, you need to take anti-depression drugs, you could…, you should…, you have to learn to be alone, etc. Those people who are ready with their “words of wisdom”, when all you ever wanted was a person to…

-write a note/letter, bring a trinket back from their trip, send a text saying they missed you today or they thought about you, go to a movie, walk on the beach, (just a small moment of time from their super busy schedule).

So many lives to be touched by my leaving but very few that showed they appreciated my presence. So many lives that will take some time off to attend my funeral, who will stop and gossip with friends and family about my life. A life they can only comment on because they read the broadcast on facebook.

I will never be the girl who has a fan club, or a huge following, maybe not even a best friend or a soulmate. I dont want to be in the spotlight, have to give my autograph or be showered with gifts. I dont want my home to be a revolving door of visitors (I only have one chair). I dont want to be praised for my kindness and I dont want to have to announce those moments to the world either.

I am alone.

The world is teaching us that we are too busy to build new friendships. We are too busy to invest time in our present friendships.

We have learned that if we stop texting, stop posting, stop surfing the world will stop and we will cease to exist. We have learned to be too busy to be social.

I find it disturbing that when I say hi/ hello to people, they respond with ‘fine, what’s up?’ and they keep walking. I am so confused as to what should be my response in that moment.

I go out to eat, or I hang with others and they are constantly on their phones and I want to laugh the laugh of a raving lunatic because I feel like I am the insane one. Eventually I copy them. I keep checking my phone and I check facebook and I check emails and I check and I check because I dont want to compete with the thing that has that other person’s attention. I dont want to keep stopping in the conversation to wonder if the person is listening or if they heard me or to repeat my question.
I check, but unlike them I have told my very few friends that I am busy, that I am out with other people and so for as long as I need they give me clear airwaves (they know that they will get the juicy details later). The friends who are a little too pushy, they get ignored.

One day maybe I will join the many and get trapped in the matrix. I will forget that I am alone. I will not need medication for depression and I too can become a technology zombie.

For now though, I am alone and I wish that those people who would be affected by my loss, realize that…
FOR NOW I AM PRESENT.

Slit Wrists… October 18, 2013

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I am going to try to keep things clean. I know you dont like a mess. It really wasn’t supposed to be like this. I promise this has nothing to do with you. Get over it and move on (thats what they said to me) …

I smile as I think about the past, there are many happy memories. I would like to say that I catch a glimpse of the future but I see no future. That tunnel, its been there for a long time, so long that I can maneuver through it in the dark. I cant remember the last time I saw light, I would probable be blinded in an instant if even the tiniest speck could find its way down here.

Strong and independent, I hear those words used to describe me. Those words mean nothing anymore, the only word that describes me now is ALONE.

The kind of alone, where I speak to remember what a voice sounds like.

The kind of alone, where I turn on the TV to pretend someone is in the house with me and go to sleep with it on so I am not too afraid to sleep.

The kind of alone, where I name the plants and talk to them as if they were my best friends.

Alone, where in my mind I have a whole family and another life, and that life while challenging is better than anything in reality.

I am not sure if anyone understands my reality. I find myself crying, I used to do it in the privacy of my home but now it also happens in public. I have a love hate relationship with other families and people’s children because they are not mine and more than ever I want a family. I have never wanted to do everything on my own even though I am great at it and could probably write my own self-help book.

My fitness family says, ‘go out and exercise, it will make you feel better.’ I have tried, it doesnt work for me.

Others have said, ‘go out, meet people, socialize, have sex.’ I definitely dont know how to do that.

I am not interested in small talk, and awkward conversations about shopping. I dont do gossip or TV. I almost hate sex. I dont need a boat load of people who are never there when I need someone but all call themselves my friends.

But it doesnt matter now, does it? The decision has been made, I already have the things I need. One more chance. Yeah, one more chance I think.

I don’t know what it feels like. What life feels like! I am not sure it even exists anymore. I just want to feel it, one more time. The rush, the adrenaline, the excitement. I smile… I feel my heart pumping, I hear the blood rushing. Look at it flow, that was exciting! Now I must rest.

I hope I didnt leave a mess…

I hope I didnt leave too much of a mess…

I hope I havent cause too much trouble…

I hope you are happy…

I hope…

I hope I didnt leave a mess, I know how you hate messes…