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Now I lay me down to sleep… May 8, 2014

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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I love writing. I am discovering that I am not making time to develop my craft/talents. There are so many days that I dream about what I want to write but often don’t begin to write until I am lying in my bed with my eyes half-closed (just like tonight).
I climbed into bed tonight and I was prompted to pray that childhood prayer. But the uniqueness of the words made me want to write them down. 
Now I lay me down to sleep…
Lord, I want to thank you for my challenges. 
Suicidal thoughts: tried and failed twice. Didn’t attempt a third time because I figured I got God’s message. 22 years later I can say ‘I got it’. This lesson to be learned wasn’t about freeing the earth of my presence, or not going to hell, or caring about the impact of my actions on others. 
It was always about me, living the life I talked about. Accepting my choices and being fully open to the consequences. 
Depressed: feels like a never-ending state of being. I read some thing that identified it as a state of deep-rest.Deep-rest so powerful in its simplicity. Sometimes the struggles/trials are so multitudinous and so obstacle-filled that we believe our path is blocked and we stop. Our stop may be an admittance of defeat or a proposed short break. The fact that stopping was an option often translates into failure. Suddenly your rest becomes a pit of regrets and hurt holding you from seeing the present and its possibilities. Depression isn’t to be trivialized. I am there. I know exactly what it feels like, I know what I need to do to get out but depression can be like quicksand -if you struggle on your own with no plan you might sink further; its better to have a plan, move slowly and its always nice to have a buddy around who you are sure will throw you a life line.
Fear of success: 22 years of my life I was “small” and I hated every minute of it because I thought I was fat. People said amazingly mean things to me about how I looked, I didn’t wait to hear what the strangers said because those people were supposed to be my family. I never told them how they hurt me to my core and made me doubt myself. Now, I really fat and those same people who wagged their tongues before are wagging them now. I want to respond, to retaliate but I can’t, that’s not the kind of girl I am. So I write. I journal. I blog. I internalize. And I cry. 
I AM AFRAID…
Afraid to lose weight and feel healthy. Afraid because…
*Even though I ignore the words, I still hear them, and words do hurt
*I know I need help, but there is no one to ask. No one who will help me beyond saying I have to motivate myself
*losing weight means new clothes, new clothes means shopping, shopping means psychological and emotional torture… Nothing looks right or fits right, I am misshaped and deformed. No one has to tell me I look stupid, I already know it! 
My physical health suffers in my present shape but I am so afraid of not being happy in another form that I am stuck. And while I am continuously pushing others to be their best, everyone has given up on me and now I am lagging further and further behind. 
As I close my eyes and think about how stupid I look in everything I try on, every piece of clothes I wear, a flash comes to my mind and I think about the small signs of muscle definition I see in my arms and legs. 
Of course that might be my own delusions. 
Everyday I pray for a person, I don’t want a personal trainer, instead I want a work out partner. Someone who will inspire me not with their words but with their actions.

Someone said to me once, ‘if it wasn’t for you I would never have finished’.
I want to be able to say those words to someone one day.