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3.5 Years: It’s Over… September 18, 2016

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Let’s start from the end. It’s been three days since he told me it was over. My heart understands and accepts. My mind has been trying to make sense of it all. He asked me to meet him at the park, I don’t know why. I am not sure what he had hoped to accomplish. Did he want to see me cry? Was I supposed to break down and beg for forgiveness? I asked, “why didn’t you just send me a text?” I told him he made me waste my time coming over here for no reason. I tried to get in my car and he pushed my door closed and told me we were going to talk, because people talk about these things? HUH?!? They talk after a decision has already been made? I guess I might be confused about the process.

So I stood there and I let him talk. I brought up a few points and noted that his answer was the same as he had given for the past three and a half years. I realized that either he was clueless and didn’t understand how human beings should behave or he just didn’t care and never did. I stood there as he spoke waiting for my heart to feel something, to break, to burst, to explode, to disintegrate but nothing happened. I waited for the wobble in my voice that indicated I was about to cry and embarrass myself but it never came. I was simply annoyed that he didn’t just send me a text saying that it was over. A simple text or a phone call. I know it sounds impersonal but my heart didn’t love him anymore and it hadn’t loved him for a while. My journal and my conversations show exactly when I became aware that I had stopped loving him but there was part of me that had loved him for so long that it had become easy to say that I loved him. Even the email I wrote asking for my money back would lead one to believe that I still loved him but that is so far from the truth.

For three and a half years I only wanted to two things from him 1) be my friend and treat me right 2) help me to achieve this one goal that I can’t seem to figure out how to navigate and accomplish. He failed at both and for that whole time I was too afraid to walk away or stand up for myself, because my heart was convinced that I loved him and those few flickers when the “real” him showed up said that some part of him actually loved me.

That night I understood that:

  • he thought I was intelligent but yet too stupid to understand his point of view
  • he wanted me to be his lover and friend but yet invisible to the world
  • I don’t factor in his grand scheme of things and I never did
  • all he ever wanted to do was use me
  • he could throw me away as easily as he tossed his pet
  • no one matters to him but himself

AND most importantly

  • most of this was my fault because I let it happen over and over again. When a person is so hurt by another person that they start planning their suicide, it’s a huge red flag…

…stay tuned for the 3.5 years: the letter

 

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My Pillow January 6, 2014

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LUCK… March 7, 2012

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Talk about PROCRASTINATION, February finished before I finished writing my blog about love and I started on the 5th. Since this is the month of March and the 4 leaf clover, with luck I will finish this one before March ends.

For 2012 I am renaming February, HUH???, cause I am not sure when it started, what happened during February or when it ended. If anyone asks I can honestly tell them that for me January ended last week and then March started. February 2012 just didnot exist for me.

So I have decided I need to truly make the rest of this year count. My girlfriend and I talked about 2012 being our year. This is the third month and I am still missing my one and only resolution. I really havent gotten to the core of it yet.

I went searching for a four leaf clover design (yes! I am still thinking about getting a tattoo) and as I searched I did a little reading too. I found a short article that talked about the four leaves of the clover representing faith, hope, love, and luck. I am thinking that I may just have to make that symbol more prominent in my home. I am not concerned about the luck so much but definitely the principles of faith, hope and love.

Faith- believing in myself that I have the strength and the ability through God to do all that he has planned for me.

Hope- that my needs and wants for myself are in tune with God’s needs and wants for me and therefore things will happen as soon as I step up and start working on them

Love- taking care of me FIRST…creating a motto of self-love and as such using my new found desires and energy to reach out to others

Luck- Atlantic City HERE I COME!!! (lol…with faith, hope, and love- luck is GUARANTEED)

As the month of March races off to a healthy start, I dont want to look back and say, ‘BUT WAIT!!! IT’S JUNE! SUMMER IS STARTING AND I STILL HAVENT ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING.’ I know its 2.15am here but since I can’t sleep I guess it wont hurt to get up and get a start on making March MAGNIFICENT.

One of the biggest things I have been hearing from my friends lately is ‘get out and go make some friends, get off of facebook, go do some fun things’, I am hearing you friends. I admit I havent been listening too well but I do hear you. Maybe I can work on one thing related to “getting out” this month, hmmm…

CONFESSION: Meeting people and socializing is SCARY! It involves opening a door to a room in my heart that barely gets used. A room that used to be the easiest to open and the hardest to close. A room where everything is now tinged with more sadness than joy. Most times I swear it is better to pass that room, that door, without  a glance than to turn the key and wonder at the possibilities. I hate closed doors, I want to throw these wide open and say ‘welcome’  but the consequence is usually an acute disappointment, the lingering whisper ‘why did you let this happen again’?