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Soup, Bread and a Cop… May 24, 2018

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My high school teacher told me that I would either be a writer or a teacher. I wanted no part in either of those options. These many years later, it turns out that I happen to love writing and teaching. Until today I’m not sure I understood how much I missed writing.

As you may know I’m battling with some issues. Some may even refer to them as serious issues. I have been searching for the right analogy to explain how I got to this point and I think I might have figured it out.

When I first started learning to use the computer, my teacher taught us GIGO – Garbage In Garbage Out. And that’s exactly what’s been happening. I’ve been piling in more bad stuff in my life than the good stuff. Worry, begging, low self worth, low self esteem, distrust, lack of faith, hopelessness, anger, hurt, and the list goes on; I could only put out what went in and so the cycle continued.

And the cycle got worse. The more I did, the more I heard, the more I encountered, the worse things got; until one day I tore a little and some of everything rolled together seeped out. Consciously I didn’t know how to stop the leak. I cried, begged God, cursed God, lashed out, pushed people away but it didn’t work and there were no answers.

I decided to give up, but my subconscious decided to reach out. I had no desire to write in my journals but I was reminded that many years ago I used to blog. It must have been meant to be because I remembered the password and was able to easily access everything AND they even have an app. In addition to that I reached out to my professor and begged for prayer and patience. I told him I was struggling and that I couldn’t concentrate and I was planning to end it all. I think I just wanted him to understand that at the moment I hadn’t completely given up on school but conversely I didn’t have the motivation to continue because my insides were dying and I didn’t think I’d be here to finish. Finally, I reached out to my cousin. The first time I met him almost 17 years ago, he and I connected. He’s been my big brother, my friend, my confidante. He’s patient and I love that he says to me, “I may not be able to help you with that but let’s try this.”

It turns out that reaching out was the right course of action, even if I didn’t understand that’s what I was doing. In my head, I was trying to say good bye, give my apologies, and explain my rational for my decision. I didn’t want anyone to feel guilty or hurt, I wanted to tell the true story (at least part of it) and everyone had to know that I had made a logical decision.

My professor responded to my message. Told me he was there if I needed anything, that he would pray and begged me to talk to him if I needed or call a hotline or talk to my counselor. To talk to someone. And then he reached out to my college counselor. It went so far that, yesterday as I sat in the a Kennedy Center with my students, I received a call from an unknown number. When I returned the call, a cop was checking on me to make sure that I was ok. To make sure that I had support. To make sure I hadn’t hurt myself yet and that I wasn’t planning on it at the moment. The whole situation truly floored me.

As I was walking back to the bus my brain said, “these people don’t want me to die”. Of course, the left over madness from the last five years whispered, “it’s their job, you don’t matter”. For once though I didn’t listen.

As the bus drove back to school,  I spent those 45 minutes contemplating what would happen if I didn’t die. I don’t have an answer.  But it frightens me to think that the future might be like the past five years. It frightens me to know that I’m facing such a drastic change that even the present is a surprise. But I also know now that if I reach out people will answer.  It shouldn’t be dramatic like Sunday.

I spent the afternoon with my cousin,  exploring something new. It was amazing to discover such a treasure in my back yard and share it with someone who didn’t try to solve my problems,  tell me to take meds or that I just needed to forget everything.  Instead,  he made me take a break, be in the present and enjoy the moment as we shared a meal of soup and bread.



Is one of the stages of grief, revenge? May 22, 2018

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Two days ago I declared that I would be another statistic.  I knew for sure that soon, my battle with life would be over.  I knew that I would finally win.  But I started reflecting on my friend who died and the responsibility I willingly took on. My mommy reminded me of all the places I haven’t visited yet.  And my friends and family reminded me of all the people I didn’t reach out to and I didn’t get to know better. All the friends I didn’t make.  All the new people I’ve met and would like to get to know better. All of things I neglected while trying to stay in a “relationship” with a guy who never really wanted me and said so from the beginning.

I don’t know that I’ve changed my mind. I just know that it has made me pause and wonder, am I really ready? Am I totally over and done with life,  with everything, with the world? Or am I battling with an anger at myself and a grief that has been building for five years?

This guy is so sociable, so friendly,  so persuasive and two- faced that I fell for the part of him that I thought was real and honest. Which is crazy because the one thing I’m sure I learned in our time together was that I couldn’t trust him. He almost tainted my view of love until I realized what we were doing was not love and could never be love.

He’s so charismatic that he’ll tell everyone that I’m crazy, I’m mental,  I lived in my own world and made up stories. He’ll be very convincing and people will believe because they don’t know him like I do. But I have the pictures,  I have transcripts from conversations (Google Photos backs up everything) and I know how to retrieve deleted messages.  If I wanted to take revenge I would have it all at my finger tips.

This morning I woke up angry.  I thought I had deleted all the evidence.  I was angry because I kept thinking about how I’m still protecting him.  He’s a man and he’ll say he doesn’t need my protection. I want to tell the world ALL I’ve done,  air my very dirty laundry and maybe even ask for forgiveness but I keep thinking about him and his reputation.  I think about not destroying his family,  his business,  peoples’ idealistic views of him.

I keep thinking,  he’ll say she’s crazy,  she’s mental, she’s suffering fron some kind of psychosis. I know that because he’s said it to me in text and face to face and just like the emotionally and mentally abused person I became, I didn’t leave. In fact,  I broke up with him multiple times and in the same 10 seconds (window of time) turned around and told him I’m sorry, and I want him back and I didn’t mean to share my feelings, my views, my hurts.

Now there is a huge part of my heart that just wants revenge. The crazy part is that I want revenge that hurts him to his core but doesn’t affect his public image because I know how much he depends on it for his livelihood.  I want him to know how crazy he’s made me feel,  how much I did in the last five years that is against my nature, how I protected him and stayed loyal in spite of everything.

I’m lucky, he’s never given me a gift so I have nothing to trash or tear up. I’m not interested in keying his car or slashing his tires. I just want his heart to hurt, the way he hurt mine.

I won’t ask him to say he’s sorry or apologize,  he will say he never did anything wrong. Except I have evidence that I couldn’t have made up even if I wanted to…

I will say I’m sorry for the heartache I caused during our time “together”. Right now I’m not sure I mean it though.  And I’ll keep saying I’m sorry because I have to own up to my part in this mess.  I’ll say I’m sorry because I don’t live life with a plan for hurting others and one day my apology will be genuine.  I’ll say I’m sorry because in order to completely change my mind about my plan I have to one day forgive myself and learn to trust myself again.

I just wasted five years on a guy whose going to tell the world that I’m crazy and mental and I made everything up,  because he’s innocent and he never did anything.

My Suicide Note… May 21, 2018

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I am a statistic and I will become another statistic soon. I am divorced and one day I will commit suicide. People say I am clinically depressed and need to be on medication. If the medication will explain all the stuff that led to the depression and help me to stop thinking about it and reliving it, then I will gladly take the medication. I have even considered hypnosis, to help me forget.

Yes, this note includes the story of how a guy broke my heart and destroyed my essence but it also tells the story of how I was stupid and deluded enough to let it happen. There are very specific details I have to leave out to protect his identity but I will share the other stuff in hopes that this will stop someone else from doing what I did.

5 years ago I told God that I was going to try one more time. I was frustrated and I wanted to give up but I don’t really know how to do that and so I promised God I would try one more time. That day, I knew I looked like the world’s biggest slob but I decided to be brave and give it a try. I met a guy. I thought he was a great guy and I left feeling hopeful. I was sure something was wrong with me when I discovered how much I liked him, when talking to him made me smile, when I felt that “click” between us and knew for sure that we fit (whatever that meant). I didn’t think I was falling in love and I knew nothing would ever happen between us, because he is “HOT” and I am “NOT”.

People who knew him, commented to me and sometimes out loud on how different he was with me. I tried flirting with him, that seemed to work and one day more happened. I was completely blown away, he apologized because it was unplanned. I told him it was ok and it was great, not expecting it to happen again but it did and it continued. People started telling me what I was feeling was love, I didn’t believe it I had never been in love before. He even started telling me that I was in love with him and that I should guard my heart. He told me he had no heart because his heart was frozen solid and hidden in a dungeon somewhere.

He told me I had a beautiful soul and I am creative etc., he gave me my favorite nickname (I use it all the time) and I found out that he was dating someone. I tried to leave and he argued against it and told me I was making a bad decision. And so I stayed. I don’t know what I expected from him, I just knew I loved our time together. I loved:

*when he hugged me and tried to take the sadness away

*when I cooked for him and he danced while he ate which let me know he was enjoying his meal

*when we snuggled on the recliner and he talked to me as I laid my head on his chest (I loved the rumble of his voice as he spoke)

*when we cuddled on the recliner and fell asleep together holding hands

*when he trusted me to babysit his pet

*when he came over one day to make a surprise visit because he knew I was sad; I wasn’t at home so he left a note.

I didn’t want or expect any more from him because I knew that I couldn’t and wasn’t ready to give more. I told him I loved him.

Then the inevitable happened,

*he started staying away more than he visited

*he seemed to be always busy

*he told me we were incompatible and we would never be a couple because he didn’t feel that way about me

*he told me “he wasn’t going anywhere”

And I continued to love him because I didn’t want to be in a dating relationship, I knew the energy I would give and the commitment I would make and I knew for sure that I wasn’t ready. Except my brain went crazy and I began to act like the woman scorned. I figured out the things that triggered his visits and I used them to get him to come over. I wrote sad comments on his posts on his Facebook page and I wrote about how sad and hurt I was continually on my Facebook (the memories still pop up, reminding me of my lunacy). The one question I kept asking and I never stopped asking was, “Why me?” I couldn’t understand why he would choose me.

He blocked me on Facebook. He told me he didn’t trust anyone and that nothing I said or did could hurt him, which became a challenge to me and so I said things on Facebook, posted a picture, and really told him how I felt about what he was doing. Until one day he accused me of betraying his trust (I didn’t know I had that) and being hurtful to him. He hated that I talked to people who knew him to find out more about who he was because he wouldn’t tell me. If I tried to end it with him he would tell me how manipulative I was etc. but he was allowed to get angry with me and tell me he needed a “break”.

In all of this madness, my only question was, “why did you choose me and why won’t you let me go?”

He promised me forever and always. He had a sixty-year plan for us. I told him I loved it and wanted forever also. Except he kept letting me down. He would promise to come over and then not come. The latest excuse being, “I fell asleep”. He would punish me for lashing out at him (and oh my God, I said some super mean things). He told me I was crazy and normal people didn’t act like that. I had a psychosis and I was making up stuff that never happened. He would get mad if I called him or when I texted him and questioned why he didn’t respond. He kept telling me that he would leave if I continued to behave the way I was behaving.

I admit I was horrible.

I thought we had something that we didn’t have. I thought he would keep his promises. I thought forever and always meant something. I hated how we were getting less and less time together. How he told me he didn’t have to text me if he didn’t want to because he answered to no one. How he would go days without talking to me or punish me when I didn’t do or act the way he wanted.

In the meantime, my heart just grew more and more numb. I lashed out verbally even more and more. I would send text after text (because I couldn’t call and he wouldn’t respond), I sometimes sent emails. I could feel myself losing control. I didn’t recognize who I was and what I was becoming. I would tell him I was done, and I didn’t want to do it anymore and then beg for him to come back. He would say he needed a break and I would beg for him to not stay away too long.

I had thought that my heart had grown so numb that there was no love left. I couldn’t understand why I kept begging him to stay or to comeback. He stopped snuggling with me and holding my hand. I felt like everything I loved doing for him and with him he had stopped doing. My journal has five years of me asking God, “why did you put this guy in my life”? I have prayed, cried, begged, pleaded with God for answer. I even had a failed suicide attempt because I felt like I had been destroyed and I didn’t understand why God let him enter my life.

Last Thanksgiving, he shared the most devastating news with me. And when I asked why, he just kind of chuckled and told me he didn’t have to answer that. As I drove to New Jersey to spend the weekend with my family, I knew that the love I thought was gone was merely hiding and that I didn’t know how I was going to live knowing that I could love someone who didn’t care about me. That weekend I drove to NJ, drove back home to Maryland and drove back to NJ in 48 hours because my brain was so destroyed and my heart was so wrecked, that I didn’t know what I was doing. He told me he called me to check to see if I was ok. How would I ever be ok?

I have never recovered. I try to enjoy the little time I get with him but Thanksgiving is always on my mind. I live waiting for the day he tells me forever and always is over. My brain hurts and my heart hurts and every day I feel like I’m going to die. I keep asking him and God, “why me?”

“What is it about me that kept us together for five years, even through all my madness and anger and lashing out? I try to understand why he stayed after so many times saying he was going to leave. I have cried, I have said the stuff on my heart and he won’t answer.

I hadn’t seen him in a while and last week I told him “goodbye”. I knew he wouldn’t respond but I sent it anyway. And just like I thought he didn’t respond. The day after, I was feeling really excited about my new hair style and my toes (of course, the first person I want to share anything with is him) so I sent him the picture. We had a conversation and before long he told me that “I might see him that Friday night”. I asked what time, he said 2200/2300. I messaged him at 2315 and he said that he had fallen asleep and he would make it up to me. I decided to be forgiving but because I was in a playful mood, I asked him to send me a picture and to tell me how he planned to make it up. He never responded. The next morning, I said, good morning and there was no response. Later in the morning, I asked, “am I going to see you this weekend?’ he finally responded, “No”. That’s all he said, no explanation, no follow up, nothing. Just “no”.

I felt my brain snap (is this what a psychotic break feels like?) and I gave the craziest response ever, I didn’t even recognize myself. I wanted to apologize but I couldn’t.

One of the things I told him is that he doesn’t know how it feels to love someone who will never love him back.

He finally responded and told me were “officially done and I should never message him again. I shouldn’t respond to the text because he won’t see it because he is going to block me.” I guess you know what I did.

I still don’t know why he chose me.

I still don’t know why the hottest guy chose me.

I don’t know why he stayed.

I don’t know if he ever cared.

*I could write about how all of this has affected the rest of my life. My self-worth. My trust in myself, in others, and in God. There is so much to write about but I won’t share it because the one thing he taught me that will remain with me forever is that “nobody cares”.

I gave him all I could and I got nothing in return. I have nothing to show that he was ever in my life. I have deleted all our pictures and texts because I don’t want to be the girl who tries to get back at him.

If you ask him he will probably say I am mental, and crazy and making things up. That he never did anything and I just made stuff up because of my psychosis.

I lost five years of my life and I feel like I will cry forever. While he gets to walk away unaffected.

The craziest thing about this is that he will never see this note because none of my friends/or our mutual friends will care about me enough to share this with him.

Hey love,

Sometimes our heart chooses a person, there is no rhyme or reason.

I guess I will love you always

I still think you are the hottest guy ever

I can’t believe you chose me

I’ll never understand why

Have a great life!
Your Fay, your unicorn,

Forever and Always.