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Am I Pregnant? October 15, 2014

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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I think God cried for me today. Some of this rain must have been the tears I couldn’t shed as once again I was forced to face a reality, I usually try to avoid.
She looked at me, said she liked my top and then asked me if I was pregnant. How many more times am I going to have to face that question? How many more times are people going to tell me that I am next? Or ask me when I plan to have babies?
Am I going to have to get T-shirt that says don’t ask me about babies? Single and loving it? Will never get a chance to be a mom? What should my t-shirt say?
I convince myself everyday that not having a family doesn’t bother me. I tell myself I am happy I have no husband and I am blessed that I don’t have kids. I can usually brainwash myself into thinking that it doesn’t matter if I never have children. I am happy. I love my nieces and nephews and that’s enough.
But there are the baby showers and the bridal showers and the cute little babies and the happiness and the questions asking me when and I am reminded that things are not right.
I have dreamed all my life of my family. I could picture them in my head, I knew my kids’ names. I didn’t want pets, I wanted a family.
And I can’t have one.
It’s taken me, 15 years to get to the point where I could lie to myself and say it doesn’t matter. 15 years of crying and doctors and struggling. I don’t want to be reminded that my life feels incomplete. And I don’t need to hear about the wonders of adoption.
So the answer to the question, am I pregnant is no. Can I get pregnant? By miracles. If you ask me again and I break down in front of you, will that be a good enough answer?
Why does this have to hurt so much?

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