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Resolved… October 26, 2014

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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I wish I could definitively say that this is my last blog post.

I had plans to get my doctorate, I figured I could do it within the next six years. I looked forward to be doctor. Honestly, I don’t think I could make it those next few years. I don’t know how I am going to get through tonight.

I am ready to go. I don’t want it to be long and drawn out. I don’t want it to messy. I don’t want anything that leaves people with bad memories. I am not concerned about what people think about me and I just don’t want anyone to hurt more than necessary (I know I am assuming that someone would feel hurt, but just in case).

I don’t know how to begin the process. Do I pack up? Do I tell the snake’s (if i call him by his name that will just make me cry more) owner to come pick him up? Should I wash the dishes and clean the car (saying her name makes me a little sad)?

Maybe I will get the laundry done, that way the clothes can easily be given away. I think I will clean the car. I don’t think I need to write a note, if my words weren’t clear before a note is definitely not going to matter.

Why am I thinking about the snake? I really need him to go home first, I feel responsible for him and I don’t want him to suffer. I need to know that someone is taking care of him, treating him right, talking to him. I know I don’t have to worry about him remembering me. I forgot about the plants. I should water them and find someone to take care of them. Maybe I should put them by the dumpster, plants are too much of a responsibility.

i just

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Am I Pregnant? October 15, 2014

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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I think God cried for me today. Some of this rain must have been the tears I couldn’t shed as once again I was forced to face a reality, I usually try to avoid.
She looked at me, said she liked my top and then asked me if I was pregnant. How many more times am I going to have to face that question? How many more times are people going to tell me that I am next? Or ask me when I plan to have babies?
Am I going to have to get T-shirt that says don’t ask me about babies? Single and loving it? Will never get a chance to be a mom? What should my t-shirt say?
I convince myself everyday that not having a family doesn’t bother me. I tell myself I am happy I have no husband and I am blessed that I don’t have kids. I can usually brainwash myself into thinking that it doesn’t matter if I never have children. I am happy. I love my nieces and nephews and that’s enough.
But there are the baby showers and the bridal showers and the cute little babies and the happiness and the questions asking me when and I am reminded that things are not right.
I have dreamed all my life of my family. I could picture them in my head, I knew my kids’ names. I didn’t want pets, I wanted a family.
And I can’t have one.
It’s taken me, 15 years to get to the point where I could lie to myself and say it doesn’t matter. 15 years of crying and doctors and struggling. I don’t want to be reminded that my life feels incomplete. And I don’t need to hear about the wonders of adoption.
So the answer to the question, am I pregnant is no. Can I get pregnant? By miracles. If you ask me again and I break down in front of you, will that be a good enough answer?
Why does this have to hurt so much?