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The Common Denominator… July 13, 2014

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I can’t ask if he is cheating because we aren’t in a relationship. We agreed to tell the other person if we wanted to sleep with someone else but I don’t know if he remembers. I can’t sleep. I hate being so anxious about this that I can’t function. The worse part is that I am beginning to think this is all my fault.
I wish it was easy for me to fall in love. I wish I was that girl who thought she was in love with every other guy that passed her by, but I am not. If I were that girl I would write this off as lust and swish my hips as I sashayed away. Except I know that I have been in love only once and he wasn’t my ex-husband.
The one says he is not interested in me romantically. He says there is no chance of a romantic relationship between us. He says he is not like my husband and he hates when I make references that compare them. But he is wrong, my husband didn’t want me either.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. There are guys from my past who remember a girl I don’t recognize. These guys want to marry me and be the father of my children. These guys swear they love me and always will. We broke up or never dated for a reason all those years ago, so I know it won’t work. Besides they don’t make my panties wet.
I meet so many new people and guys show interest in me but its only for the sex. I don’t wear fancy clothes, no heels, and I am fat (nothing sexy about me). Maybe I look desperate, that must be it, I look like I will settle for anything. I guess that’s why they are surprised when I turn them down. Some even get verbally abusive.
Something is obviously wrong with me, no one wants the girl I am, just the little bits they can tear off.
I don’t want to be awake in my big lonely bed thinking about whether he is cheating.

Happy Birthday to me… July 4, 2014

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If it were up to me I wouldn’t be here.  35 would be the age I would never become. I would be forever immortalized at 34. Maybe even 16. It’s been a long road to get to today but surprisingly not as hard as I had imagined.  I didn’t believe that things could get easier or life could be happier.  In fact, as I reflect on the last seven months, I can’t say that I noticed my life got easier instead my attitude to certain things have changed. I use to worry about my life, my job, my spirituality, my lack of friends and especially my health. 

Last year I met my soul mate.  I know it sounds crazy. I didn’t want to believe it for a while,  I couldn’t understand how we fit.  Two pieces from very different puzzles,  recognizing each other.  It’s the most complicated relationship that I have ever not been in, and for a long time I let it stress and test my emotional and mental stability.  I had gotten to a place where everyday I cried; at home, work, in the car, stores, church. I was like a wounded animal. One day I decided to stop crying,  I promised to stop caring and I tried to convince myself that I was “done with all this”. That didn’t work.  Nothing I tried worked until I decided to make myself a priority. 

I gave myself seven months to live,  those seven months expired in June.  I thought I was depressed, turns out I was just exhausted from trying to silently impose my will upon others.  I spent so much time trying to understand the “why’s” of life and people instead of living my life.  I was listening to what people told me I should feel, or think, or believe.  In short,  I was NOT the person who I wanted to be,  I had lost me in the noise,  the constant brain-rattling,  soul-smashing noise and I couldn’t find my way out. 

I stopped talking…

Then I stopped listening…

And the voices stopped
And there was silence. I looked around and recognized the place I had found. I knew then that everything would work out just the way it was supposed to and no matter what happened I would be fine.

Now I don’t worry too much about my relationship with my soul mate. I have made SMART goals that I am actively working on in all the previous worry-filled areas of my life.  Things are not perfect, they never will be and I don’t want them to be because then I will be done living.  I know there is still much to do but I am taking my time and enjoying every step.

I make few posts. I journal more and make to-do lists.
I take less pictures. I am too busy enjoying the moments.
I listen to less advice. I am a visual learner.

Lately,  I have been doing me A LOTand it’s the best and most rewarding feeling ever. The noise is mostly gone and usually whatever is left I can tune out with my personal radio station. 

Today,  I can say HAPPY 35th BIRTHDAY to me and really mean it!!!
Today,  I choose to celebrate me!