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My Reality Check… April 23, 2014

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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‘Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.’ – Albert Einstein

I think this applies to everyone adult and child. It has helped me to be much less critical as a teacher and it has taught me to provide more ways for my kids to be successful in completing a lesson. This is NOT about my job though.

People who don’t know me, think I have low self- esteem and I need to see a therapist.

The few people who know me, think I am too hard on myself. They are right! Sometimes I am forced to sit myself down and remind myself that I am only human. Yes, there are super human feats that occur in my life but I am human. Maybe that’s why the Christina Perri song resonates so deeply within my heart. It is a constant reminder that with all I do and don’t do the reality is that I am only human.

I am a smart girl. 

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

I am a smart girl.

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

I am a smart girl.

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

But like the fish, there comes a point when my human interactions become so overwhelmingly depressing that I do ask myself,

Is there something wrong with me? Why am I never enough? Am I stupid? Why can’t I do what everybody else seems to do so easily?

My inner voice is keeps screaming…

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE ENOUGH, FOR YOU, FOR GOD AND EVERYBODY YOU MEET! YOU ARE SMART! YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN UNIQUE AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES YOU AN AWESOME YOU!

but my inner voice has been getting softer and softer, more unsure…

maybe there is something wrong with you. you are enough for you and God but not worth much to anyone else. it’s obvious you are not so smart because you are letting this all bother you. you will never fit with your differences, yes you are unique but that only makes you an outlier and outsider. don’t expect to ever belong, to fit in.

I am a girl, a lady, a woman. I am simple and uncomplicated. Often I communicate my feelings before my mind is aware of them, before my mouth knows the words to utter. 

Today, I cried. 

Yeah, I have been crying a lot, so this is not news but when I cry almost uncontrollably in front of my class, that is a completely different story. 

Have you ever wanted to be loved? Loved for you, whole-heartedly unconditionally loved?

I know, I know God loves me. I have heard it. I believed it. He loved Adam too, he walked in the garden with Adam but yet he decided that Adam needed a partner and sent Eve. Am I less worthy to be loved? I am not just talking about love from the opposite sex.

When does a parent let their child know that no matter how they look, that they are loved or beautiful? Am I supposed to stop wanting that affirmation because I am an adult? Is it wrong to hope that one day I would hear the words I love you uttered from my father’s lips?

When will God explain why he made me a girl but I can’t do any of the natural girly things without the aide of medication etc.?

Why did my husband need me to where 6 inch heels everyday, tight pants, get a tramp stamp, put my cleavage on show and always have my hair braided before he thought he loved me? Why did he leave when I decided I needed to be my own person?

Why do other guys think that I am “stuck up” because my idea of a first date doesn’t involve spending the night at their house or vice versa?

Why do I have a beautiful soul, am good enough for sex, but I am a secret to the world? Why is it so easy to cheat on me? Why will I never be enough, never be good enough, never be right? 

Why won’t you let me enjoy the few moments moments of happiness I have with you? Why keep reminding me that it will end one day? Do you want me to be the same as you, bitter, jaded, self-deluded? Often I wonder why God put you in my life because you so obviously don’t want to be here. I do listen to your words as you repeatedly stab me in the heart.

I am not a very touchy person but today I needed a human touch. Unfortunately, I live on a slow-sinking island and the only people who have ever cared enough to accept me in all my uniqueness live hours, cities, states, countries away.

People say, ‘girl you need to learn to live alone’, but when you’ve lived alone so long that your favorite conversations are with the pet snake you are babysitting, how do you know when you’ve learned to live alone?

 

 

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