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I am done… April 15, 2014

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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Tonight is one of my good nights. I have had a lot of those since he came into my life.
I have learned to laugh again. Loud and long, unhampered by insecurities, my laugh is free and my smile genuine. I know because people respond to my smile. I giggle like a proper drunk…hiccup… God, I am so happy.
That devil, that damned devil, sticks his fork into my cheeks. He knows if I laugh too loudly or smile to widely I will forget, forget that tiny kernel of doubt. That minute, insignificant seed of doubt. The one that wants me to believe that this is all my imagination and soon I will have to face the chasm of reality.
That seed is the easiest growing plant in my garden. A weed, a parasitic vine, a massive tree that grows roots and invades the spaces until nothing is left. My fear, my disbelief, my inaction is fertilizer.
My fear, my doubt, my inaction is nutrient-draining.
In a reality that only exists because of shadows.
Which only exist when I block the sun.
I laugh.

I don’t sit and worry about when its going to be over, anymore. I don’t want it to end. I know this is the last “relationship” that I will ever have. This is not a challenge for God. I don’t want to restart with another person. I don’t want to try this again and again until I get it right.
It is done.
He is the last one.

Tonight I really miss him.



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