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Journal Entry 1 April 3, 2014

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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I feel like a constant failure. I have accomplished nothing in my life. All my dreams, my goals are nothing. They are less than particles of dust in the wind. So much I want to do and say but no motivation.

I had a thought today…

– why do doctors/ paramedics try to save the lives of people who attempt suicide? Why not let me die? I think I would be more depressed if I woke up alive after building up my courage to kill myself. It would probably feel like another thing I failed at.

People say think about all the people whose lives you will negatively impact but where were those people/ those lives when I cried out for help constantly. Those people who said, ‘you should see a therapist, you need to take anti-depression drugs, you could…, you should…, you have to learn to be alone, etc. Those people who are ready with their “words of wisdom”, when all you ever wanted was a person to…

-write a note/letter, bring a trinket back from their trip, send a text saying they missed you today or they thought about you, go to a movie, walk on the beach, (just a small moment of time from their super busy schedule).

So many lives to be touched by my leaving but very few that showed they appreciated my presence. So many lives that will take some time off to attend my funeral, who will stop and gossip with friends and family about my life. A life they can only comment on because they read the broadcast on facebook.

I will never be the girl who has a fan club, or a huge following, maybe not even a best friend or a soulmate. I dont want to be in the spotlight, have to give my autograph or be showered with gifts. I dont want my home to be a revolving door of visitors (I only have one chair). I dont want to be praised for my kindness and I dont want to have to announce those moments to the world either.

I am alone.

The world is teaching us that we are too busy to build new friendships. We are too busy to invest time in our present friendships.

We have learned that if we stop texting, stop posting, stop surfing the world will stop and we will cease to exist. We have learned to be too busy to be social.

I find it disturbing that when I say hi/ hello to people, they respond with ‘fine, what’s up?’ and they keep walking. I am so confused as to what should be my response in that moment.

I go out to eat, or I hang with others and they are constantly on their phones and I want to laugh the laugh of a raving lunatic because I feel like I am the insane one. Eventually I copy them. I keep checking my phone and I check facebook and I check emails and I check and I check because I dont want to compete with the thing that has that other person’s attention. I dont want to keep stopping in the conversation to wonder if the person is listening or if they heard me or to repeat my question.
I check, but unlike them I have told my very few friends that I am busy, that I am out with other people and so for as long as I need they give me clear airwaves (they know that they will get the juicy details later). The friends who are a little too pushy, they get ignored.

One day maybe I will join the many and get trapped in the matrix. I will forget that I am alone. I will not need medication for depression and I too can become a technology zombie.

For now though, I am alone and I wish that those people who would be affected by my loss, realize that…
FOR NOW I AM PRESENT.

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Comments»

1. jleornie - April 3, 2014

I wanted to comment earlier, but the way you described everything was just so…. spot on. I personally was saved from my suicide attempt and even though i thought i was a failure that i couldn’t even get rid of myself, I’m grateful. Because at that time, I couldn’t think clearly. I couldn’t imagine a future. When others tell you “fine, what’s up?” who knows if they’re having a terrible day? Everyone has a mask too, and that’s what makes it so terribly difficult to have a genuine relationship where you can say “i’m having a bad day.” Don’t conform to others because they’re always on their phone. Be yourself and help others engage in reality! I don’t have a fan base either, neither do i have a spotlight on me. I struggle daily with this too. So i want you to know that you’re not alone. Yes, you’re present 🙂 This post was in my head the whole day, so i’m thinking of you! Chin up, love. Things will get better even if they get worse. Because now you’re stronger than you were before. Take care ❤

insanity2insanity - April 3, 2014

I journal its my therapy. I started writing this in one of my many personal journals and I kept getting this nagging push to blog and share it instead.
I am not a ‘people’ person yet I find myself reaching out to others more than the ‘extroverts’/ self proclaimed people person. I have a need to connect on a deeper level and sometimes I feel crazy because the world is so superficial. I have kind of come to the conclusion that I just might be a little selfish.
Thanks for commenting and reminding me that I am not alone in my little bubble. And that I should be a little more patient with people.

I just had another thought… What if I follow people around and make them tell me why their day is fine? Lol.

jleornie - April 3, 2014

yes, it’s quite frustrating too, knowing that the world is so superficial. But who am i to judge the world when I put on my happy face and hide away everything else in public? but that’s just me… 🙂 I’m glad you find that journaling helps!
follow around those whom you love and care for. Follow around those whom you want to get to know. Maybe in the midst of your own darkness, you can be a light to someone else’s darkness ❤

insanity2insanity - April 3, 2014

I have posted your words on my picture and I am sharing it on Facebook. I love it.
Happy faces…hmmm

2. Tertia - April 3, 2014

I hit the like button and then realized the irony of just doing that…I thought you’d like to know someone read this and identified with things in it. Welcome and I hope you keep writing. It’s helped me a lot.

insanity2insanity - April 3, 2014

Thanks for hitting the like button… It let’s me know that someone read what I wrote and in some way connected with something I said.
I am happy, it helped and it let’s me know that I am not alone in my struggle.


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