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My Reality Check… April 23, 2014

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‘Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.’ – Albert Einstein

I think this applies to everyone adult and child. It has helped me to be much less critical as a teacher and it has taught me to provide more ways for my kids to be successful in completing a lesson. This is NOT about my job though.

People who don’t know me, think I have low self- esteem and I need to see a therapist.

The few people who know me, think I am too hard on myself. They are right! Sometimes I am forced to sit myself down and remind myself that I am only human. Yes, there are super human feats that occur in my life but I am human. Maybe that’s why the Christina Perri song resonates so deeply within my heart. It is a constant reminder that with all I do and don’t do the reality is that I am only human.

I am a smart girl. 

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

I am a smart girl.

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

I am a smart girl.

I know what I want, I know the consequences of my every action.

But like the fish, there comes a point when my human interactions become so overwhelmingly depressing that I do ask myself,

Is there something wrong with me? Why am I never enough? Am I stupid? Why can’t I do what everybody else seems to do so easily?

My inner voice is keeps screaming…

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE ENOUGH, FOR YOU, FOR GOD AND EVERYBODY YOU MEET! YOU ARE SMART! YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN UNIQUE AND THAT’S WHAT MAKES YOU AN AWESOME YOU!

but my inner voice has been getting softer and softer, more unsure…

maybe there is something wrong with you. you are enough for you and God but not worth much to anyone else. it’s obvious you are not so smart because you are letting this all bother you. you will never fit with your differences, yes you are unique but that only makes you an outlier and outsider. don’t expect to ever belong, to fit in.

I am a girl, a lady, a woman. I am simple and uncomplicated. Often I communicate my feelings before my mind is aware of them, before my mouth knows the words to utter. 

Today, I cried. 

Yeah, I have been crying a lot, so this is not news but when I cry almost uncontrollably in front of my class, that is a completely different story. 

Have you ever wanted to be loved? Loved for you, whole-heartedly unconditionally loved?

I know, I know God loves me. I have heard it. I believed it. He loved Adam too, he walked in the garden with Adam but yet he decided that Adam needed a partner and sent Eve. Am I less worthy to be loved? I am not just talking about love from the opposite sex.

When does a parent let their child know that no matter how they look, that they are loved or beautiful? Am I supposed to stop wanting that affirmation because I am an adult? Is it wrong to hope that one day I would hear the words I love you uttered from my father’s lips?

When will God explain why he made me a girl but I can’t do any of the natural girly things without the aide of medication etc.?

Why did my husband need me to where 6 inch heels everyday, tight pants, get a tramp stamp, put my cleavage on show and always have my hair braided before he thought he loved me? Why did he leave when I decided I needed to be my own person?

Why do other guys think that I am “stuck up” because my idea of a first date doesn’t involve spending the night at their house or vice versa?

Why do I have a beautiful soul, am good enough for sex, but I am a secret to the world? Why is it so easy to cheat on me? Why will I never be enough, never be good enough, never be right? 

Why won’t you let me enjoy the few moments moments of happiness I have with you? Why keep reminding me that it will end one day? Do you want me to be the same as you, bitter, jaded, self-deluded? Often I wonder why God put you in my life because you so obviously don’t want to be here. I do listen to your words as you repeatedly stab me in the heart.

I am not a very touchy person but today I needed a human touch. Unfortunately, I live on a slow-sinking island and the only people who have ever cared enough to accept me in all my uniqueness live hours, cities, states, countries away.

People say, ‘girl you need to learn to live alone’, but when you’ve lived alone so long that your favorite conversations are with the pet snake you are babysitting, how do you know when you’ve learned to live alone?

 

 

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No anniversary… April 17, 2014

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I have been feeling very out of sorts lately.
I am having a hard time enjoying even the moments. There are very few highs to my lows. I don’t even take pictures like I used to. Why bother?
Suicides seem to be on the rise. Too bad for me that I am not much of a follower. These beautiful people seemed to have so much going for them ( the outsider’s perspective) and yet they chose not to continue living. Depression? Is it really just a chemical imbalance in the brain? Is it fixable if I take drugs? Then why do I need coping strategies? Why are the side effects suicidal thoughts and depression? If I am on drugs, how would I know when I am truly happy? Maybe it is just a chemical imbalance but if so, it is alarming to me that so many people are suffering from this same chemical imbalance. Is it a radical thought to believe that drugs may not be the answer?
I think we have screwed ourselves over.   I think I have screwed myself over, continuing to allow myself to exist in this cesspool of inhumanity. Who am I doing this for? Surely not me. Everybody (acquaintances, family, friends, therapists, strangers) say, ‘think about the people who you leave behind in pain’, ‘think about all the people that will be hurt and suffer’.

Isn’t it funny how they tell you over and over that you are alone, you have to learn to be alone, you alone can make your own success, you have to work out alone and think for yourself and do EVERY F%&$ING thing alone, but when it comes to suicide you need to think about others?
Where were the others when I needed someone to talk to in the middle of the night?
Where were the others when I cried in my car?
Where were the others when I spent hours in the emergency room alone?
Where were the others when I went home and made dinner for myself night after night?
So many scenarios… So many life moments… So many… Too many… ALONE

Of course, I am to blame. I have given up on people. I am so far gone that when someone does something nice for me, or thanks me for something, or offers me something; I don’t know how to respond. I can feel the irregularities in my heart beat. I feel the adrenaline surge through my body and my fight or flight response kick in. Sometimes I think I have a mini panic attack. I am so surprised that my outward response hardly ever matches what I really want to/ should say.

Eight years ago, I got married.
Eight years later, I get to think about my actions.
I almost forgot about today, but I can’t, I won’t ever. That’s not an option. I don’t seem to do anything the easy way. In 2006, April 17 became my wedding anniversary, but before that it was my mom’s birthday and that day happened to be Easter Monday.
Eight years later, I sit here and I smile. I don’t feel like crying anymore.
I didn’t get the wedding, marriage, spouse, family that I wanted. But I remember smiling that day. I remember thinking I might be the happiest girl alive. I remembered thinking with God all things are possible.
I am not sure when I stopped believing in good things for myself. I haven’t stopped believing in good things for others, I pray for others and sometimes (by default) I rattle off some prayers from my old life that mention me.
I am sure everyone is going to be wonderful, no matter what choice I make.
I am not a follower.
I don’t want to be a negative statistic.
I don’t want to be a bother to others.
I don’t want all my smiles to be tinged with sadness.
I don’t want to remember what I want because I will never get it.
I don’t want drugs.
I don’t want
I don’t
I
(All that’s left a mere existence, with no impact on anything)

I am done… April 15, 2014

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Tonight.
Tonight is one of my good nights. I have had a lot of those since he came into my life.
I have learned to laugh again. Loud and long, unhampered by insecurities, my laugh is free and my smile genuine. I know because people respond to my smile. I giggle like a proper drunk…hiccup… God, I am so happy.
That devil, that damned devil, sticks his fork into my cheeks. He knows if I laugh too loudly or smile to widely I will forget, forget that tiny kernel of doubt. That minute, insignificant seed of doubt. The one that wants me to believe that this is all my imagination and soon I will have to face the chasm of reality.
That seed is the easiest growing plant in my garden. A weed, a parasitic vine, a massive tree that grows roots and invades the spaces until nothing is left. My fear, my disbelief, my inaction is fertilizer.
My fear, my doubt, my inaction is nutrient-draining.
Trapped.
Trapped!?!
In a reality that only exists because of shadows.
Shadows.
Which only exist when I block the sun.
I laugh.

I don’t sit and worry about when its going to be over, anymore. I don’t want it to end. I know this is the last “relationship” that I will ever have. This is not a challenge for God. I don’t want to restart with another person. I don’t want to try this again and again until I get it right.
It is done.
He is the last one.

Tonight I really miss him.

Journal Entry 1 April 3, 2014

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I feel like a constant failure. I have accomplished nothing in my life. All my dreams, my goals are nothing. They are less than particles of dust in the wind. So much I want to do and say but no motivation.

I had a thought today…

– why do doctors/ paramedics try to save the lives of people who attempt suicide? Why not let me die? I think I would be more depressed if I woke up alive after building up my courage to kill myself. It would probably feel like another thing I failed at.

People say think about all the people whose lives you will negatively impact but where were those people/ those lives when I cried out for help constantly. Those people who said, ‘you should see a therapist, you need to take anti-depression drugs, you could…, you should…, you have to learn to be alone, etc. Those people who are ready with their “words of wisdom”, when all you ever wanted was a person to…

-write a note/letter, bring a trinket back from their trip, send a text saying they missed you today or they thought about you, go to a movie, walk on the beach, (just a small moment of time from their super busy schedule).

So many lives to be touched by my leaving but very few that showed they appreciated my presence. So many lives that will take some time off to attend my funeral, who will stop and gossip with friends and family about my life. A life they can only comment on because they read the broadcast on facebook.

I will never be the girl who has a fan club, or a huge following, maybe not even a best friend or a soulmate. I dont want to be in the spotlight, have to give my autograph or be showered with gifts. I dont want my home to be a revolving door of visitors (I only have one chair). I dont want to be praised for my kindness and I dont want to have to announce those moments to the world either.

I am alone.

The world is teaching us that we are too busy to build new friendships. We are too busy to invest time in our present friendships.

We have learned that if we stop texting, stop posting, stop surfing the world will stop and we will cease to exist. We have learned to be too busy to be social.

I find it disturbing that when I say hi/ hello to people, they respond with ‘fine, what’s up?’ and they keep walking. I am so confused as to what should be my response in that moment.

I go out to eat, or I hang with others and they are constantly on their phones and I want to laugh the laugh of a raving lunatic because I feel like I am the insane one. Eventually I copy them. I keep checking my phone and I check facebook and I check emails and I check and I check because I dont want to compete with the thing that has that other person’s attention. I dont want to keep stopping in the conversation to wonder if the person is listening or if they heard me or to repeat my question.
I check, but unlike them I have told my very few friends that I am busy, that I am out with other people and so for as long as I need they give me clear airwaves (they know that they will get the juicy details later). The friends who are a little too pushy, they get ignored.

One day maybe I will join the many and get trapped in the matrix. I will forget that I am alone. I will not need medication for depression and I too can become a technology zombie.

For now though, I am alone and I wish that those people who would be affected by my loss, realize that…
FOR NOW I AM PRESENT.