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2014 January 5, 2014

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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It’s only Day 5 and so much has happened.
First of all I didn’t make any resolutions.
1. I didn’t want the guilt trip that ensues when I don’t follow them.
2. I never make it past February.
3. Who needs them anyway? I rather evaluate my year before and make a goal that builds upon what I have been doing. No random promises for me!!!

Second, I got divorced.
1. At first I was worried about how I looked. I made a goal to lose weight and buy a cute outfit. Didn’t happen! My weight loss is not very well supported by scale measurements. It took me almost six weeks out of the eight week holiday program I signed up for at the gym, before I realized i was doing my psyche more damage. I am a big girl and while I could see evidence of weight loss in the fit of my clothes and eye-witness accounts etc. The scale didn’t budge to show weight loss but in fact it kept moving up suggesting weight gain.
When it feels like your ‘trainer’ is laughing at you, and you can’t see the progress you feel, sometimes you choose to give up.
As it came closer to the time. I began to understand that I didn’t care about my soon to be ex’s opinion. Nothing he said could break me, I had gotten this far and survived. Divorce hearing successful, waiting for the signed papers in the mail.

Third, rekindled a friendship with an old flame. The BEST I can say is that things are happy so far.

Fourth, the near death of a friendship.
I spent a lot of time blaming myself for the destruction of my marriage and I had to do a lot of evaluating. I am very responsible for my share of crazy and I will accept all of that responsibility but no relationship (friendship or otherwise) can last if one person is too self-involved to recognize their part in the success or failure.
I am not accepting any more blame but I am going to step away and protect myself. Let’s see OUR friendship survive following his idea of a friendship.
People say, love hurts. I disagree but now I understand why they say it. My friend, who I love dearly hurt me to my core today. The worst part is that if he knew, he didn’t care. This love is not lust or infatuation, I know the difference, I have done those many times before. This is once in a lifetime, the kind you know will never happen again but still pray can be duplicated in case the one you love now doesn’t love you back.

I am a little frightened of facing day 5, because the past four days have only filled me with trepidation. Certain parts of my life are going to be great because I am the only human involved but I worry greatly about the other parts because there is more than one human involved and my hand is definitely not on the control lever.

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