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Loving Myself… January 11, 2014

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Loving Myself….

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Loving Myself… January 11, 2014

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Today someone said, ‘you are awesome’. My mind instantly followed with, ‘No, I’m not.’

That quick exchange clarified a conflict in my mind that stemmed from a conversation earlier in the week.

When did I stop believing I was awesome? When did I forget my self worth?

I have been haunted since the day I taught my students a lesson on ‘body acceptance’. The lesson we learned that day could be summarized in one sentence, ‘The best way to show that you love something is to take care of it’. I knew the lesson was true but I was haunted because I wasnt living by example. I wasnt taking care of me, the conclusion being that I didnt love me.

But how could that be? Don’t I practice good hygiene? I have clothes. I go to my job. I maintain a nice clean apartment. I… I… I… Apparently, I am doing the bare minimum required to stay alive and to “fit” into society. Is that enough to say I am loving myself?

How is it that the girl who celebrates birthdays as if they are national holidays, if left alone would let hers pass in silence? I have planned other people’s parties that I wasnt invited to, sent singing telegrams, did gift giving count downs etc. except July 4th where I sit and wonder if anyone would invite me to their family bbq and the once or twice when I did get invited, I declined the invitation. Its obvious I love celebrating, except celebrating me never seems to be on my agenda. I get friends presents for Thanksgiving and Halloween and Christmas and just because its Wednesday and I thought about you, but nothing for myself. I would say I am trying to get them to like me, but they already like me so that can’t be my motivation, can it?

I schedule my “me” time at the beginning of the week, sometimes the beginning of the month and at the end I review my calendar and its filled with many undone activities because I gave up that time to hang with a friend, to take care of my students’ needs, to get something a friend needed (they may not have asked for it but I knew based on our conversations that it would make life easier for them). And in the moments when I get to relax, I spend time thinking about all the people I have wronged for that day or that week and I agonize over how to apologize and how awful my actions or words were towards them and then I try to atone for the sins they have longed since forgotten and in many cases never even took offense to.

I dont even believe in myself. I work out, wanting to see changes but with no real expectations that there will be any improvements. It makes it easy to give up. A continuous cycle of starting and giving up and starting again, hoping that the next time and the time after that I will really stick with my plans and gain success. People tell me how much weight I have lost and congratulate me on my work. My first reaction is always, I dont know what you are talking about. I dont see any change and my personal trainer doesnt see any change, so there is obviously no change. Except I am consciously trying not to make people upset with my negative statements so I pretend I know what they are talking about and thank them for their compliments.

People from my past have been telling me how ‘i always looked out for them’, and ‘they appreciated everything I did’, etc. etc. and I am surprised because I dont remember.

If I had to describe my life up to now I would say it was unremarkable, unfulfilling, and wasted but from eye-witness accounts and after a jarring question posed to me this week, it would appear that I possess a very jaded view of my life.

I am not looking for sympathy and I dont want another person to talk about my alleged awesomeness (there I go again throwing myself under the proverbial bus -thank God it’s only proverbial) and try to make me feel better. I guess I have written all this to say, I am beginning to recognize that I have to pay more REAL attention to myself. I could probably say I started that by buying myself an actual winter jacket, but when I think of that memory its surrounded by so much unhappiness, especially since the original goal had nothing to do with buying a winter jacket.

I am not sure how I am going to do this concentrated love of self thing, but I must start, even if it means taking myself out for cake and ice cream to celebrate the fact that I am still alive.

My Pillow January 6, 2014

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2014 January 5, 2014

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It’s only Day 5 and so much has happened.
First of all I didn’t make any resolutions.
1. I didn’t want the guilt trip that ensues when I don’t follow them.
2. I never make it past February.
3. Who needs them anyway? I rather evaluate my year before and make a goal that builds upon what I have been doing. No random promises for me!!!

Second, I got divorced.
1. At first I was worried about how I looked. I made a goal to lose weight and buy a cute outfit. Didn’t happen! My weight loss is not very well supported by scale measurements. It took me almost six weeks out of the eight week holiday program I signed up for at the gym, before I realized i was doing my psyche more damage. I am a big girl and while I could see evidence of weight loss in the fit of my clothes and eye-witness accounts etc. The scale didn’t budge to show weight loss but in fact it kept moving up suggesting weight gain.
When it feels like your ‘trainer’ is laughing at you, and you can’t see the progress you feel, sometimes you choose to give up.
As it came closer to the time. I began to understand that I didn’t care about my soon to be ex’s opinion. Nothing he said could break me, I had gotten this far and survived. Divorce hearing successful, waiting for the signed papers in the mail.

Third, rekindled a friendship with an old flame. The BEST I can say is that things are happy so far.

Fourth, the near death of a friendship.
I spent a lot of time blaming myself for the destruction of my marriage and I had to do a lot of evaluating. I am very responsible for my share of crazy and I will accept all of that responsibility but no relationship (friendship or otherwise) can last if one person is too self-involved to recognize their part in the success or failure.
I am not accepting any more blame but I am going to step away and protect myself. Let’s see OUR friendship survive following his idea of a friendship.
People say, love hurts. I disagree but now I understand why they say it. My friend, who I love dearly hurt me to my core today. The worst part is that if he knew, he didn’t care. This love is not lust or infatuation, I know the difference, I have done those many times before. This is once in a lifetime, the kind you know will never happen again but still pray can be duplicated in case the one you love now doesn’t love you back.

I am a little frightened of facing day 5, because the past four days have only filled me with trepidation. Certain parts of my life are going to be great because I am the only human involved but I worry greatly about the other parts because there is more than one human involved and my hand is definitely not on the control lever.