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You are stuck with me… October 28, 2013

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I am stealing this format from Jada Pinkett Smith (had to get this off my chest so I could focus)

A letter to a friend…
I believe that it was Einstein who said, ‘doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results is the definition of insanity’.
The problem is not the doing it over (after all practice makes perfect). The problem is expecting a different result. Things are not going to change.

Maybe you should try something different. Something exotic, something new (the shift in the matrix).
Have you considered that maybe your will doesn’t align with God’s will?
Have you considered that God might want you to sit out this game?
Why do you have to be in a relationship?
I don’t pretend to know the ways of the world.
I don’t pretend to know your every thought.
You know me, I don’t have any reason to pretend.

Today, I am not appealing to your head, I speak to your heart. From my heart to yours, the one you try to hide in that dark chamber with the bars and big locks and the keys and the guard dogs.
Yes, that heart that you revealed to me before you knew what was happening.

On behalf of that heart I speak:
Friend, take some time to heal. All this stuff will be there. The people might change but this break will strengthen and rebuild you, rejuvenate your spirit. Allow things to end, before you start something new.

Friend, I see you so clearly and it hurts my heart. I ache with every fiber in my being. Please, please don’t begin the insanity again. Step back, heal, get stronger, open your eyes. God hasn’t left you to do it alone, my presence in your life isn’t a mistake.

GOD DOESN’T MAKE MISTAKES!!!

You are stuck with me,
Fay

You don’t love me… October 21, 2013

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I told him, I hope the next guy I meet loves me the way you don’t love me.

He says he doesn’t love me.
He says he’s not interested in dating a girl like me.
He says can’t control it, and he didn’t know when love will strike.
He says he is interested in maybe having a relationship with another woman.
He says I am not the one for him.
He says he doesn’t love me the way I love him.

I know he must be telling the truth, this could not be love, because I have never felt love like this.
Love, I doubt it exists.

I really mean it, the next guy who says he loves me needs to love me the way he doesn’t
He sends me a message every morning and answers my good night texts at night.
He checks in to find out if I ate.
In the middle of the day he sends me a random ‘are you ok?’ to make sure I am fine (and I find myself looking out for them).
He messages me to get to the gym to work out, he knows I have goals towards increasing my health and being  fit. I also think he remembers that we will get to see each other if I go.
He swears he will always be in my life
He tells me no cuddling, then pulls me into his lap where I snuggle into his chest, curl into his arms and inhale his essence.
He looks into my eyes and we chat about life. He shares his secrets and steals mine from my lips.
He heats my blood with his kisses. Convinces my mind that I am sexy and makes love to my whole being.

The funny thing is that’s just the bare minimum of what he can do, and its all he will let me see but I have explored him with my six senses and there is so much more brewing and building beneath the surface.

I want him in my life forever, I already know that I love him.
Unfortunately though he doesn’t love me…

Slit Wrists… October 18, 2013

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I am going to try to keep things clean. I know you dont like a mess. It really wasn’t supposed to be like this. I promise this has nothing to do with you. Get over it and move on (thats what they said to me) …

I smile as I think about the past, there are many happy memories. I would like to say that I catch a glimpse of the future but I see no future. That tunnel, its been there for a long time, so long that I can maneuver through it in the dark. I cant remember the last time I saw light, I would probable be blinded in an instant if even the tiniest speck could find its way down here.

Strong and independent, I hear those words used to describe me. Those words mean nothing anymore, the only word that describes me now is ALONE.

The kind of alone, where I speak to remember what a voice sounds like.

The kind of alone, where I turn on the TV to pretend someone is in the house with me and go to sleep with it on so I am not too afraid to sleep.

The kind of alone, where I name the plants and talk to them as if they were my best friends.

Alone, where in my mind I have a whole family and another life, and that life while challenging is better than anything in reality.

I am not sure if anyone understands my reality. I find myself crying, I used to do it in the privacy of my home but now it also happens in public. I have a love hate relationship with other families and people’s children because they are not mine and more than ever I want a family. I have never wanted to do everything on my own even though I am great at it and could probably write my own self-help book.

My fitness family says, ‘go out and exercise, it will make you feel better.’ I have tried, it doesnt work for me.

Others have said, ‘go out, meet people, socialize, have sex.’ I definitely dont know how to do that.

I am not interested in small talk, and awkward conversations about shopping. I dont do gossip or TV. I almost hate sex. I dont need a boat load of people who are never there when I need someone but all call themselves my friends.

But it doesnt matter now, does it? The decision has been made, I already have the things I need. One more chance. Yeah, one more chance I think.

I don’t know what it feels like. What life feels like! I am not sure it even exists anymore. I just want to feel it, one more time. The rush, the adrenaline, the excitement. I smile… I feel my heart pumping, I hear the blood rushing. Look at it flow, that was exciting! Now I must rest.

I hope I didnt leave a mess…

I hope I didnt leave too much of a mess…

I hope I havent cause too much trouble…

I hope you are happy…

I hope…

I hope I didnt leave a mess, I know how you hate messes…