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Alone… January 26, 2012

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in a drought, useless and disappointing. -A Cinderella Story

Sometimes I am forced to believe that I am meant to be alone. Sometimes I wonder who did I hurt?

I can’t accept that I am constantly supposed to feel pain. Forced to live in an unending nightmare. I have been pushed, pulled, used, abused and I know its my fault.

I am so free with my heart and my energy. I leave myself so open to be hurt.

When will I learn?

I feel as if I need to close my heart. Close my mind. Close my soul.

Some days I see light, a peaceful light that tells me that this pain wont last forever but more often than not the light is blocked out by all the drama and stress.

I cant do this anymore…

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Taking Charge… January 18, 2012

Posted by insanity2insanity in Uncategorized.
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I would get up and go to work sick because ‘the kids needed me’. Cook dinner, plan trips, buy presents, give unwavering support because ‘my husband needed me’. I gave constantly until one day I realised ‘I needed me’. How could I need me? I have me all of the time, don’t I? Isn’t me always with me, taking care of me, looking out for me first?

I sat on the plane and for the first time I really listened to the safety directions. It took me a long time to figure out why I would need to put my oxygen mask on first and then help the person next to me. As soon as the answer flickered into my mind, I began to understand the source of my unhappiness.

I am the reason that I am unhappy. When was the last time that I took care of me? I am always giving my everything for something or someone else and never for me. I go on vacation and I think about school, I plan things to do with my students, I design and redesign my classroom, I do it because ‘the kids need me’. That’s my justification for running myself into the ground, someone needs me. BUT!

What about me needing me? ‘ME’ has not been fed!!!

Last year, I thought I was doing something for me because I bought myself things I really wanted. Things I could never get when I was too busy taking care of others first. This year I realise that I still havent taken care of me. I dont think I could recognize me if I walk passed.

ME

-avid book collector and reader: probably read only ten books last year, and very few the years before

-nature enthusiast: hasnt been to a zoo in at least three years, never visited  any of the aquariums and cant remember the last time she sat in a park

-cook: might make a meal 2x a week with pasta or rice as the main ingredient, hardly ever bakes, no food adventures (farmer’s markets, fruit vendors, dinner parties etc.)

-artist (craft): no embroidery, latch hook kit still waiting to be opened, God boxes to be made, scrapbooks to be adorned

-sightseer: no museums, no hiking

-learner: cant remember the last time she took a class to learn something new just because she wanted to

There is so much more to me than just being a wife and a teacher, but those are the things that were held in  high esteem. Those are the things that I lost first when me decided to fight for recognition (a simple acknowledgment that I am aware of its existence). I am stuck at a fork in the road now. There are only two options a) the road I am already on, which is rapidly leading to my destruction b) the road that leads to ‘me’, a road filled with risks, adventure and scary moments of truth and change. I will admit that I am terrified, in my mind my choice is already made but I am afraid to say it out loud. I am afraid that once I say it, I cannot take it back. I suffer everyday as I make a choice against me. Its time for me to choose a path, march forward and take charge.